dude glossary + slutwear

A friend's 15-year-old daughter dresses very… provocatively. It is honestly not age-appropriate, and makes me uncomfortable. The family is culturally… different than our own. How can I broach this topic without causing offense? - 


Hey, listen, we covered a lot of this territory in a previous post - SEE? Dudes: always horny. Always. Conscious = horny. Semi-conscious = horny. Asleep = horny. Dead = until recently horny.

Here's a Glossary of Dude-speak if you're still having trouble cracking the code:

• "Hey. Long time no see." = "Let's fuck."
• "Can I buy you a drink?" = "Hey. Lady. Let's fuck."
• "Cute shoes." = "Let's fuck. Leave the shoes on."
• "Could you fax this for me if you're headed that way?" = "Let's fuck. At the office."
• "Sure, it's just two blocks down, on the opposite side of the street." = "Let's fuck. Outside."
• "Could you pass the salt?" = "Let's fuck. On the dinner table. In front of the kids."
• "I'd really like to see you again." = "Let's fuck two times."
• "Let us pray." = "Dress like a nun while we fuck."
• "Counselor, approach the bench." = "I'm pretty sure you could give me a secret fuck under these robes - and I want you to know: I'm game to try."
• "You look quite breathtaking tonight." = "MAY we fuck?"
• "Happy anniversary, honey." = "You HAVE to fuck me tonight."
• "Officer, arrest that man!" = "Let's fuck fast. Then you get back to work."
• "I wish to register a complaint." = "Why will no one fuck me?"
• "Hey, have you ever seen The Usual Suspects?" = "I will endure some conversation with you if it ends in fucking."
• "You remind me of Princess Padme Amidala." = "There shall be no fucking this day."
• "Here, lemme get that door for you." = "Hey, you know what's fun? Fuckin'."
• "People tell me I look like Denis Leary a little bit." = "You know what you should totally do? Fuck knock-off Non-Dennis Leary. Who is me."
• "Do you have change for a dollar? I need to feed the meter." = "My car's totally big enough to fuck in."
• "Man. Is that a big pumpkin, or what?" = "Fuckin' on a hay bale. That's some good fuckin'."
• "Oh, my god. Congrats on finishing the marathon." = "Go grab a shower before we fuck."
• "I'm calling it. Time of death: 3:17." = "Let's clear out of OR so they can clean up in here. Oh, plus: we should fuck."
• "No hablo ingles." = "Let's fuck. Por favor."

But to your question. Listen. I was walking out of a place a few weeks ago - and I was thunderstruck. There was this chica maybe 16 on the sidewalk wearing what I guess technically was a t-shirt. But this thing: the ungodly boobs she had - it's like somebody cut a dirigible in half and stuffed it into this frickin' t-shirt. These meat canoes were - I swear to Christ - posing a threat to this t-shirt. They were testing the absolute limits of the the tensile strength of each fiber in that poor, abused cotton thread. These were like two minarets, yo. On neighboring mosques. You feel me?

But. These epic titties. They were not mute. They had a message for anybody looking. Her t-shirt, in the seconds leading up to its bursting apart completely, bore these words:

"Fuck Me Like a Black Guy."*

*This is sadly factual.

Which caused for me a level of cognitive dissonance such as I've seldom known. On the one hand, I remain a dude, albeit a diminished one - and though frankly ill-equipped ["under-equipped" - be honest. - eds.] to comply with the shirt's request - I confess the urge to comply with this request, however. 

But in addition to being a dude, I am also a dad. And on the heels of this compliance impulse was the overpowering urge to drape one of those trauma blankets the EMTs put over you at the train derailment or the avalanche. And then I wanted to take a melon baller and scoop out all the swinish eyes of all the warthog dudes who'd been staring at those acres of straining, t-shirt-killing tatas, and burn those eyeballs in a trash fire. Adding my own eyes to the top of the pile. 

FUN FACT: plucking somebody's eyes out is called "ocular enucleation".

So - one white person to another - "age-appropriate" and "culturally different", and for fuck's sake, the ellipses, all a dead giveaway - just remember that we're all satan pigs who should be jailed immediately. Your only option for your daughter is to swaddle her in a tarp and keep her in your lightless crawlspace to be released only when old and/or disfigured enough so as not to attract unsavory attention. Or, blind every man on earth. Or - safe side - do both.