FACECROOK.

Today at school, someone came up to me after social studies and asked me why I said mean things about her on Facebook. Then I found out that my best friend got into a fight online, and to fix things she hacked into my account and backed herself up. It got me into trouble with my friends, plus she lied to my face about it. Should I forgive her or not?

FACEBOOK IS A FUCKING LIFE-RUINER. stupid assholes insistent upon tagging the most awful and wretchedly disgusting open-mouthed pictures of your flabby arms and sweaty skin beard; your nonstop stalking convincing you that that one dude you're obsessed with is fucking all nineteen girls that constantly comment on his statuses (EVEN THE DUMB ONES) and post pictures of themselves in catsuits on his wall, forcing you to sit up all goddamned night trying to discern the nature of his online relationships from a stream of suggestive comments with zero fucking context or background; misinterpreted messages from your friends that read as bitchy or dismissive and you have no idea whether or not that jerk is mad at you for real, so just in case she is you respond with an equally terse, vague message for her to try to translate; spoiled attention whores littering your newsfeed with pictures of their labia all fucking day long (or links to their STUPID FUCKING BLOGS, omg); bitches you HATED in high school flaunting their happy lives and handsome husbands and adorable children in your face every goddamned motherfucking day while you post about tv shows and what the cat is doing: I'M SURPRISED WE HAVEN'T ALL COLLECTIVELY HEAVED OUR COMPUTERS OFF THE NEAREST CLIFF.

but then how would we know what restaurant you just checked into?!

i wish i never had to meet anyone in real life. god, i am SO MUCH BETTER ON THE INTERNET. i'm so much smarter, so much funnier, and the cropped parts of my face and upper body are so much better looking in the thumbnails on my profile. am i right?! i fucking DARE you bitches to act like it's just me. it's amazing to have that level of control over how other people perceive you. on the internet no one has to know how much you don't have your shit together unless you want them to, and what kind of idiot would ever do THAT?! my real life is fucking stupid, but my internet life is AMAZING. because i designed it that way.

i love facebook. how else would i know so much about people without having to spend even a minute in their company?! i can decide, based on your religious and political beliefs and your taste in music, whether or not you're the kind of person i could tolerate in real life. i can determine, based on the kind of shit you post, whether or not you are dumb. do you have stupid friends? do you still live with your mother? all these things are right there for me to click through, and i can make you into whomever i want you to be with even picking up the telephone. that's some magic shit right there.

but omg, i CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE what my life would have been like if facebook had been around when i was in school. it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about that shit. seriously, i got stress diarrhea just reading this fucking question. i'm not kidding, I AM IN PHYSICAL PAIN imagining what a fucking nightmare my life would have been if the jerks i grew up with could add FACEBOOK to the arsenal of tools with which they tormented me. good luck being the ugly kid in these modern times. to go from school, which is a microcosm of everything that fucking sucks about real life, to facebook, which is an even smaller distillation of everything that sucks about school, must be fucking ridiculous. it's like bullying, concentrated. the thought of even having had a cell phone when i was in high school gives me the meat sweats, all that texting nasty shit about people and spreading camera phone pictures all over school. there were three thousand kids in my high school, every single one of whom would probably lunge at the chance to humiliate one of our fellow classmates. myself included. just think about it: health class, swimming during gym, THE GODDAMNED LOCKER ROOM?! all opportunities to take a grainy cell phone picture likely to make some bitch drop the fuck out and opt for homeschool.

i'm too goddamned old for internet fighting. and even when i was a kid i was pretty docile and harmless. i just wanted to read books and stay out of everyone's way. don't believe me? CHUBBY KID MARCHING BAND. pretty much sums up everything you need to know about my high school experience. AND I SANG IN THE FUCKING CHOIR. for honors credit! next time you see me, be sure to pull my underwear out of my pants or knock all my science books out of my hands. i'll tape my glasses for the occasion. anyway, my fertile imagination is coming up with all sorts of sordid reasons your girl got into a comment war with some mean girl on the jv cheerleading squad. did they show up at homecoming wearing the same dress? choose the same project for physics class? develop crushes on the same soccer forward?! it KILLS ME not knowing.

the real question, though, is WHY DOES THIS BITCH HAVE YOUR PASSWORD? you can't tell that kind of shit to regular people! if someone figured out any of my passwords or pin numbers i would have a LOT of explaining to do. you know how many shitty emails i send in a day?! DOZENS. and they're usually about some bitch who thinks we're friends. guess again, asshole. I HATE YOU. but you'll never know because the trusty internet keeps all my secrets safe. i perish at the thought of someone reading who i want to bang or what's really in my checking account, and no one ever will because i don't do dumb shit like jot my passwords on the back of things for safekeeping. that shit is locked in my mindgrapes, and when i die all my nasty gchats and slutty sext messaging dies with me. even if you just happen to be sitting at my desk and open the internet, ain't no passwords saved there! and the history is deleted, too, because I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH PORN I WATCH. i could die at any time, and i shudder to think that bitches will be at my funeral shaking their heads because they found out i like to watch dudes straddling a fucking sybian.

this shady bitch. fight your own battles, trick! you kids need to learn how to junk punch a ho the minute she picks up your fucking laptop. i'd set this bitch on fire for fucking up my e-lationships, because they're all that i live for. i mean, you probably shouldn't go searching for your dad's blowtorch just because i would. you're still young, and this too shall pass. but forgiving her sounds weak to me. yes, i am one of THOSE PEOPLE. i don't forgive anyone, i just cut them out of my life. i feel like after a certain age you shouldn't be doing a whole lot of shit you have to apologize for, and that most times someone offers an apology it's not really for the intent of that action (because bitches usually mean the fucked-up, horrible shit they do to you). it's mostly to make themselves feel better and to try to convince you to keep them around so they can cut your fucking throat and shit down your goddamned neck again.

"i'm sorry i got caught" or "i'm sorry you got mad" is what people really should fucking say when they apologize for stomping all over your bruised feelings with their football cleats, then you won't feel so bad when your answer is, "YOU ARE NOT FORGIVEN." i wasn't allowed to say sorry when i was growing up unless it was to apologize for having embarrassed myself in some way, and even now i'll only say it when i look dumb in front of someone whose opinion matters to me. you already know, within this once incident alone, that this asshole is a liar and identity thief, so the answer seems pretty goddamned clear to me. unless she hacked some encrypted codes from a remote location to pose as you in the battle of katie versus megan and you can harness that brain for some evildoing of your own, fuck her. clean up the mess she made with your other friends and then ICE THIS BITCH OUT. isn't that the sweet shit about high school cliquing? ostracizing some jerk out of the popular group? wield that adolescent power, little kittenface. she'll be overdosing on black eyeliner and hanging in the parking lot with the deadbeats and burnouts in no time.

AND CHANGE YOUR FUCKING PASSWORD. kids is so dumb.