how to have sex over the telephone. like a goddamned winner.

This guy I've been seeing for a couple weeks just left for Oklahoma for business and he will be gone for 2 or 3 weeks. How would I go about having phone sex with him?

irby: in case you were wondering, the working title for my autobiography is, "i'm only interested in sex that is not actually sex." seriousface, if i could get away with blowies, handies, and mutual masturbation until i drop dead my life would be AWESOME. don't get me started, because i can write ad nauseum about how i'd really just like a reasonably interesting dude with a decent sense of humor to HUG ME A LOT and LIE NEXT TO ME WITHOUT INTERRUPTING THIS BOOK I'M TRYING TO READ.

is anyone even having phone sex anymore? i feel like dudes just jump right into sending you blurry pictures of their genitals and trying to get road head while driving you home from your first date. phone sex is like a goddamned lost art, and i am determined to bring that shit back. i haven't had real human sex in, like, two years, but i'd be down for a phone bone any day of the goddamned week. the first time i had phone sex (maybe ten years ago?) i didn't even know it was happening. i was talking to this dude on my phone while dropping off mel's suits to be dry cleaned and picking up his lunch at foodstuffs and other assistant-type shit, when all of a sudden this pervert got really quiet and started panting into the fucking phone. and i was all, "are you having a heart attack?!" no he wasn't, he was just RUBBING HIS BALLS WHILE LISTENING TO ME ORDER A CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH ON BLACK BREAD. men are feral, despicable creatures, and anytime you start thinking otherwise please mentally reference this post.

but i quite enjoy the sound of some deep-voiced grunting and open-mouthed breathing, and after that first time i was hooked. nothing feels better than tricking yourself into believing that this dude is so hot for you that just the sound of your dulcet tones bouncing off his eardrums can bring him to orgasm. and even though 99.9% of every dude you meet in your life can probably rub one out to the mechanical computer voice that announces that you are unavailable to take his call, PHONE SEX IS STILL AMAZING. here's why:

1 no STDs or screaming babies. phone sex is the safest goddamned sex there is. i should go speak at high schools or some shit about the virtues of partially-clothed auditory self-stimulation. i mean, you beat off all the goddamned time anyway, why not let someone listen to it while telling you how smart you are and how that sweater you were wearing the other day wasn't really that ugly. or whatever it takes to get you hot. personally, i could masturbate just listening to a dude laughing for five minutes, but that's only because i write jokes and am a RAGING EGOMANIAC. babies are gross and STDs are real. i've never had one, but i've had enough ingrown pubic hairs that i've mistakenly self-diagnosed as the vaginal flu to know that just the thought of something crawling around in your privates is motherfucking terrifying. every year i hold my breath for two goddamned days after my annual at the gynecologist while patiently waiting for him to call and say i dodged the hiv bullet, but if you just stick to phone sex you ain't gotta worry about all that. i mean, you might get brain cancer from pressing your cell phone to your head for hours at a time, but everyone fucking gets cancer nowadays. at least you've come by yours the sexy way.

2 no having to explain why your thighs touch. we all have body issues. ladies, dudes, cats, dogs, EVERYBODY. and listen, my body is totally gross, too, but there is absolutely nothing LESS SEXY than the whole "please don't hate my belly" apology dance we all have engaged in once or twice before banging someone new. first of all, he should feel way more self-conscious about his dick than you should about your wide ass, because he could at least gauge its girth while you still had pants on. and second of all, THAT'S SO DUMB. and on the phone you're spared from all that business. you get to be as amazing and sexy as you want to be without some asshole disputing it to your face. plus, you can wear your meat-eating shirt.

3 no spending all goddamned day cleaning your gross apartment. hands-down the worst part of getting laid, for me, is being forced to live like i actually give a shit about organizing my books and making sure there are hand towels and whatever. imma need to ask a real dude what dudes actually pay attention to when they come over to bang you, because i know broads who are running around wiping down light fixtures and scrubbing window sills when there is an impending booty call situation, and i have never met a penis in my entire life who was worth all of that EFFORT. maybe the reason i don't get laid is because men really care that there are two old, broken dvd players sitting on top of my stove? the bathroom is usually clean because butts are gross, and my kitchen contains more pharmaceuticals than it does edible food, but the rest is a fucking crap shoot. plus: CAT HAIR. but none of that shit matters when he's looking at his own disgusting bedroom, so this shit is a WIN.

4 no need to turn the tv off. also, you can do chores. one of the best phone sex sessions i've ever had occurred while i was WASHING THE GODDAMNED DISHES. for real. he didn't notice, or maybe he thought i was peeing, but when you text a dude "call me when your dick is hard" guaranteed he doesn't give a shit what you're doing at the time of his call. not that you shouldn't enjoy yourself, too, but sometimes you have shit to do and it's enough just to listen to someone else have a hot time. i'm a motherfucking giver, obviously. the fucking mother theresa of audio banging. it's also killer that you don't have to get dirty or sticky or sweaty, and it's nice not to have to sleep with a washcloth jammed between your legs. (am i the only one who does that?) no muscle aches or sore neck, no bruised knees or gnarly hickey marks. in other words, NO GROSS SHIT.

5 no awkward goodbye as you shiver in your pajamas at the front door. THIS IS THE WORST. you cuddling bitches probably don't worry about this, but i start thinking, "when the fuck is he going to leave?" the minute some dude trips over the bags of feline pine lined up in the entryway inside my door. nothing fucks up getting to work on time more than some dickbag who isn't a morning person dragging ass when you need to be up and on the fucking train by 6:55. what a bonerkiller, a dude with sleep in his eyes and pillowface standing in front of my empty refrigerator asking why i only have two bottles of coconut water and a half-empty pitcher of crystal light. god, and fumbling with the remote control and asking how to work the french press when ALL I WANT TO DO is brush my teeth and feed the cat so I CAN GODDAMNED GO. phone sex spares me from that uncomfortable, "i know it's cold and you parked nine blocks away, but you are going to have to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP" conversation. and then you have to stand there while he slowly gets his shit on, hoping that you'll change your mind because his big man boots have so many laces, but i never do. GO HOME ALREADY.

6 no weird "i think i'm in love with him" anxiety just because you let some talking gorilla with a nice car come inside you. you don't have to be in a relationship to talk a dude through some sexy spanking. this ain't me, but i know a lot of broads who end up long-term dating some dirtbag who would better serve the earth if he were put to death, and it's mostly because they shared their cookies with him and then felt some sort of "connection" afterward. um...okay. i guess? well, there are no eyes to stare into when you're phone boning, so the risk of becoming psychotically attached to a dude who might be, ahem, less than desireable are pretty goddamned slim. ps, this is the reason you need to squeeze your eyes shut or only fuck doggystyle. JUST SAYING.

finally: HOW TO DO THIS SHIT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE.
this question is a little out of my depth because i refuse to have phone sex with someone i've banged before. half of the phone sex thrill is all of the crazy shit you can say and get away with, and the other half is pure mystery and fantasy. so, if i've already seen your wilting boner or fallen asleep while you were going down on me how am i going to turn that into some sexy shit on the fucking phone?! "yeah, i'm licking your balls. is your dick still hard? the other night it wasn't, so..." THAT IS NOT HOT. so we're just going to pretend that you're not the kind of slut who would bang a dude within two weeks.

1 learn to dirty talk. now your definition of dirty and mine are probably WAY DIFFERENT. i'm a fucking pig, and i'll just say any nasty, horrifying shit that pops into my ladybrain. like, you'd be embarrassed to listen to it. unless you were a freak. but you're going to have to get comfortable saying some dirty words. if you need help, google that shit. my friend natalie is one of these puritans who thinks saying shit like, "ooh, you're so strong. hold me in your big man arms," qualifies as phone sex. and if oklahoma goes for that, LUCKY YOU. i have to use my GODDAMNED IMAGINATION to get off the phone sexperts i play around with. these jerks are professional. seriously, it's like the fucking PSAT. i have to fucking study and concentrate. just say whatever you can that feels believeable when you say it. and...

2 don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash. SUPER IMPORTANT. this dude won't remember your birthday, he won't remember how you take your coffee or what you like on your pizza, but six months from now he will recall, WITH CRYSTAL CLARITY, that you said you couldn't wait for him to wrap barbed wire around his penis and buttfuck you with it. (I'VE SAID THAT BEFORE.) and that's not a problem with someone you aren't going to be in a dark bedroom with anytime soon, but if there is even the slightest chance that you might end up naked in this dude's presence, then you might want to scale back any promises you are unknowingly making. because talking shit and not backing it up is gross. that said, if i ever hang with mister barbed wire i better have an ambulance waiting downstairs. seriously, that's why i burn up my anytime minutes with dudes who live across the country. that lessens the chance any of them will show up on my doorstep demanding i let him vomit on me. (I SAID THAT, TOO.)

3 prepare yourself to be disappointed. for me, the talking is the thing. so it is A GIGANTIC BONERKILLER when some unimaginative jagoff is saying something boring in my goddamned ear. or if he's grammatically incorrect. so get ready to find out that this great guy you met two weeks ago has a language problem and isn't the least bit creative. figure out what you like to hear and then clobber him over the head with it. seriously, you might have to just come out and say "WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT BITING ME?" when he doesn't get your subtle hints about vampires and dentists or whatever. more often than not my decision not to chill with a dude is based on his terrible phone sextiquette. i'm not asking about the space program, homie, i just want you to talk about how long your balls are! and you can't even get that right?! LATER FOR YOU.

4 miscellany. candles and soft music are for jerks, but if they help you get in the mood then GO FOR IT. i like to get a little dirty movie action going (gay porn featuring kissing dudes is the best) and put on my grimiest, pee-stinkiest pajamas; the kind of shit you could NEVER wear and expect someone to want to fuck you in them. and i'll maybe have a bottle of water and a crossword and some sexy snacks at hand in case he's one of those dudes and i have to find ways to entertain myself while he chafes the skin off his dick for forty-five fucking minutes. if i can be done in three, SO CAN YOU, BUDDY. my parts are more complicated! what the fuck are you doing over there, your taxes?! the first time will be hella awkward, and you might hate it in the beginning, but pretty soon you'll be able to do this in your sleep. LITERALLY. i have, sister. you can just disguise your snoring as, um, "unbridled passion and lust." totally works. homeboy finished and everything. like i said, THEY'RE ANIMALS.