i would suck a dick for a diet coke.

My girlfriend recently posted on Facebook that she would "suck a d" for a box of Fannie May Trinidads. Sweetest Day is today and I did not buy her any Trinidads. It's just that she's the first white girl who I ever heard mention Sweetest Day and it made me confused. I'm not black. Or from Trinidad. What if someone else bought her a box of Trinidads thinking he could get his d sucked and he was not white like me? She usually sucks my d just because she's horny. Could she be trying to tell me something through some subtle, feminine methodology?


i don't mind sucking a d. as a matter of fact, i'm kind of partial to it. especially when i don't have to take my shirt off. because i'm totally goddamned lazy and having sex sometimes takes too long and there's probably something really good on tv that i'm missing while a dude fruitlessly searches for my g spot. and i'm pretty fucking good at giving head, too. by "good" i mean "i can get a dude to finish in under two hours and have never broken any foreskin with my fucking teeth." which is quite an accomplishment where i come from. a dude broke my nose a few years ago while i was blowing him, and if that isn't a testament to how dedicated i am to this craft than i have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IS. seriously, he was, like, fucking me in the face and moved right when i went left or some shit and my goddamned nose exploded, and in the emergency room everyone thought he'd kicked my ass and i had to explain to the fucking police twenty goddamned times that he'd BROKEN MY NOSE WITH HIS DICK. you should've seen that officer's face. in the beginning he was all skeptical and shit, but by the end of the story he totally had a boner. seriously, i could tell he wanted my number. anyway, i didn't have insurance to cover a fucking nose job so they set it and i had to walk around like an asshole with two black eyes FROM A FUCKING BLOW JOB, and to this day i have a deviated septum caused by a dude who broke my fucking heart into a million pieces after he fractured my stupid nose. i should've said he beat me. fucker.

godfuckingdamn, I HAVE SUCKED SO MANY FREE DICKS. holy mother of semen, the most compensation i've ever received for wearing threadbare holes in the knees of my jeans is a hearty slap on the back and a glass of water to rinse the salt off my fucking tongue. if a dude rolled over, unglued his balls from the inside of his thigh, and reached into the nightstand to hand me a box of chocolates i would marry him on the spot. no, i wouldn't. but i would TOTALLY get up and make that motherfucker a sandwich or something. that shit would be amazing. first thing i thought when i read this was, "trinidads? no, gurl, suck some holiday d for a box of eggnog creams! them shits is DELICIOUS."

there are so many things i would suck a d for right now. and don't you judgmental bitches look down your noses at me, because you probably sucked a broke d that doesn't have a job this morning before you got out of the twin bed in his mom's basement to leave for work, and i'm sure he didn't even KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE. so shut it. this is the future of romance, i think, sucking dicks for regular shit. because there aren't any rich dudes anymore, and even if there are they ain't trying to holler at our regular asses, so why not make this hourly wage motherfucker put a down payment on that load he wants to deposit in your cleavage? and i believe in setting reasonable goals, which is why i would never pull a dick out of my mouth and be like, "hey dude, you think you could cover my rent this month or take me on a nice vacation?" but i most certainly would text a motherfucker "bring two rolls of paper towels and a box of dryer sheets" if he was on his way over to bang me. and then when he brought them i would suck his motherfucking d.

right fucking now, at 2pm on tuesday october 18th, i would suck a d for a meatloaf sandwich and a beer from bat 17.
i would suck a d for a ride to target.
i would suck a d for a new computer mouse.
i would suck a d for someone to clean my ceiling fan.
i would suck a d for high-speed internet.
i would suck a d for brunch at m. henry on sunday.
i would suck a d for a handful of scratch-off lottery tickets.
i would suck a d for tacos at big star.
i would suck a d for a new pair of north face winter boots.
i would suck a d for clean sheets on my bed.
i would suck a d for some fucking advil.
i would suck a d for someone to pick up my dry cleaning.
i would suck a d for a pandora membership.
i would suck a d for a preview copy of mindy kaling's new book.
i would suck a d for a 7 day pass.
i would suck a d for better plumbing in my apartment.
i would suck a d for someone to take my trash out.
i would suck a d for a bottle of effen cucumber.
i would suck a d for two slabs of sultana of soap from lush.
i would suck a d for $50 toward my light bill.
i would suck a d for a plane ticket to san diego.
i would suck a d for someone to finish writing this for me.
i would suck a d for a reason not to hate fucking sweetest day.

boy oh boy, SWEETEST DAY. black people have appropriated that shit as our own because cupid is too white for us, i guess? i am never dating anyone at any time, so i'm not really sure how this whole fake holiday gift thing works, but if television sitcoms and movies starring drew barrymore have anything to say about it, bitches LOVE any opportunity to chastise and castigate a fucking dude, and valensweets day is one of the BIGGEST. women love shit like this that they can use as a test of "how much does this motherfucker really love me?" like, she's not going to dump you or anything, but if you send her a sweetest day e-card and split your happy meal with her at dinner then she is totally going to let you get in the back door and maybe stay off your case about dirty dishes and emptying the litter box for a couple days after. now if you DON'T do anything for her you obviously hate her and are just biding your time until someone skinnier and prettier comes along. welcome to ladybrain.

i see you dudes with your ipenis and your dickberry, always texting and gaming and updating your twatter and your fuckbook. you need to take a few minutes and note every single one of these stupid holidays in your electronical calendar machines, that way you ain't gotta listen to a bitch's shit when these days sneak up on your ass. and by "listen to a bitch's shit" i mean "READ ABOUT HER WHORING HERSELF OUT FOR CHOCOLATE ON THE INTERNET."

once i put "i will trade anal sex for better health insurance" on facebook because i had a belly fully of cancer cells and an insurmountable $182,000 of hospital bills in my mailbox, and i fucking MEANT THAT SHIT. everyone thought i was being cute and provocative, but if i'd gotten even one response that said, "hey girl, i've got blue cross blue shield" i would've greased my asshole right up. i still mean that shit. dying is expensive business, baby. i'd suck a d for a full-coverage hmo with a $500 deductible. MY CO-PAY KEEPS GOING UP, HOLY FUCKING FUCK. so rest assured that your girl was probably gargling with warm water to get her throat ready for a pounding. if you read it on the internet, you know it's probably true.

were there any responses? i mean, was anyone brave enough to offer up his d for the sucking? have you found any half-eaten boxes of trinidads tucked in the pantry or hidden in a dresser drawer? if not, you're probably cool. BUT, you need to learn from this little bit of attention whoring. and stop fucking lying to yourself. NO BITCH IS SUCKING YOUR D BECAUSE SHE'S HORNY. you can get that shit off your motherfucking mind. she's putting a down payment on tomorrow night's dinner. she's putting a down payment on ownership of the remote control. she's making sure you change the oil in her car and call the tuckpointer like you promised you would. she needs a reason to yell at you about leaving your socks on the floor, and that unbelievable slobbery bj she just laid on you is as good as goddamned any. never have i been so overcome with lust that i thought to myself, "hey irby, this dude is so hot and awesome that we should injure our jaw and chap our lips and dislocate our shoulder trying to jack him off down our throat. who cares if our knees are bloody because he takes too fucking long? I AM SO HORNY FOR HIM."

NOPE, that internal monologue goes a little more like this: "i hope this motherfucker won't want to sleep over after this. OH MY GOD his balls taste terrible. there is a pubic hair stuck between my molars. if he puts his hand on the top of my head one more goddamned time i am going to bite his fucking dick off. holy fucking shit i might have to unhinge my goddamned jaw. why does he insist on thrusting so hard? can't he just lie there and enjoy it?! my arm hurts. should i open my eyes and look up at him like they do in porn? these ridges feel weird. IS THAT WHAT HERPES FEELS LIKE?! what if i am catching mouth herpes right now? fuck, i didn't clean the cat box. why is it taking so long for him to come? am i bad at this? he's not sexually attracted to me, i know it. i bet his ex-girlfriend gave better blowjobs than i do. why isn't he making any noise? is he mad at me? is it normal for a dude to be this quiet? i wish he wouldn't STICK HIS FINGERS INSIDE ME WHILE I'M DOING THIS. it's distracting, and he's just making a fucking mess down there. should i have left the tv on? i hope his come doesn't taste weird. oh shit, i hope i don't choke again. that was so fucking embarrassing. i wonder what amy is up to tonight. did my rent check clear? STOP BANGING MY FACE SO HARD, DUDE. do i suck the head? or just, like, keep it near my throat? how much attention do i have to pay to his balls? man, they STANK. ugh, when he scoots forward like that I CAN SMELL HIS ASSHOLE. wait, should i be LICKING HIS ASSHOLE?! is that what he wants?! maybe i should put a finger in there. i read in cosmo that they like it. omg but what if he POOPS on me?! i shouldn't even be sucking his dick, i mean, he took me to BUFFALO WILD WINGS for christ's fucking sake. come on, son! i'm supposed to fuck you after $7 worth of hot wings?! my stomach hurts in this position. i wish i would've keep my bra on, my tits are totally flopping around right now. is he noticing? my jaw hurts. like, really hurts. would i be an asshole if i took a break? shit, if i take a break i have to start all over. OR i have to let him fuck me, and i cannot deal with a dick in me after two plates of buffalo wings. our waiter was cute tonight. i'm going to go back there tomorrow with amanda and get his number. MY ARM HURTS. ugh, his dick is getting dry. i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this. i need a drink of water. i'm getting a cramp in my right thigh. i should just fuck him and get this over with. WHY HASN'T HE COME YET? this dude really has to stop watching porn if he wants me to ever blow him again. there is so much shit to watch on my dvr. my back is starting to hurt. this is humiliating. he won't even hold my hand in public, i CANNOT BELIEVE i am sucking his dick. all i ever wanted was a boyfriend who would go to movies and concerts with me. all i ever wanted was a boyfriend who would take me to nice restaurants. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A BOYFRIEND WHO WOULD BUY ME TRINIDADS FOR SWEETEST DAY. fuck this dude. we're breaking up."