My dog bit a neighbor - not severely. I paid for my neighbor's doctor visit (no stitches or anything - "slight abrasion/contusion" the doc called it). But now he's saying my dog is a menace and that he should be put down. How can I handle this? - Perplexed Pet Owner
Man. Sounds like your neighbor's a real pussy. And a total dick. He's like a hermaphrodite of the emotions. Since you seem like a bit of a wuss your own self, I'll go ahead and hate his guts on your behalf.
Since you strike me as fairly hopeless, here's a few strategies you might try to overcome this strife with your neighbor:
- The Escalator. This is a classic: YOU should bite your neighbor. Like every fucking time you see his ass. Give it like a couple days, that'll be one skittish fucking neighbor who peers through his blinds to see if you're around. Peace? Achieved. Downside is that puss-dick will likely sic the cops on you.
- Meat Vest. On the sly, toss pieces of ground veal on him. The raw stuff. Pretty soon every dog in town will be drawn to him like a Pavlovian fucking magnet.
- The Cheddar Sweater. Just like The Meat Vest, but with cheese. And rhyming.
- Peanut Butter Pants. Like The Meat Vest and The Cheddar Sweater, but with peanut butter. And concentrating on his ass area. And with an increase in alliteration.
- Pocket Full of Kryptonite. Play this 1991 Spin Doctors release on repeat. And really crank it. Your neighbor will be driven rapidly insane. Victory? Yours. You should probably vacate your premises for the duration of this one, however, as you don't wish to suffer from the Backdraft of Your Own Madness that would surely result. They tried this on Noriega, but he had a stockpile of Sabbath to counteract it.
- Spy vs. Spy. Don't do this one. Whatever you try is certain to backfire.
- The Daddy Day Care. Respond to any word from your neighbor with quotes from this 2003 Eddie Murphy film, leaning heavily on the line "Wow. Goats really love pie." This is certain to drive him completely insane. I'm not suggesting this one won't take a while, but you'll get him there. How committed are you to this project? You might need to take a leave from work.
- Asparagus Falls. Eat a shit-ton of asparagus. Collect your weird-smelling pee. Fill a Super-Soaker®. Go nuts.
- The Siege of Stalingrad. You can starve him out of there. He's got nothing of the Russians' resolve. The snipers will take him as he staggers out. Oh - get snipers.
- The Lebowski. Nothing gets a fella's attention like a live marmot in his bathtub, yo.
- Frosty the Snowman. You 'member that episode of The Office where Jim and Dwight get in that epic snowball fight? And Dwight ambushes Jim from inside that snowman? You be Dwight. But instead of snowballs, use throwing stars. And if you don't have snow where you, you know what? Go fuck yourself. You got nothing to be bitching about.
- The Cuckold. Ravish his wife in the town square. Then regale the villagers with tales of your exploits over tankards of ale. The anachronisms will shake him badly.
- The Cat Burglar. This one is more a harmless prank, really: lure his cat into your yard with a dish of milk. Skin it and pitch it through his window while he's having dinner or reading quietly. Upon reflection, this one is maybe not entirely harmless.
- The Porky Pig. The name may lead you do conclude that this one's just a pork-based version of The Meat Vest. It's not. And I'm frankly a little insulted that you'd think this. In this one, you need a whole pig carcass. Wait on an overpass till he's driving through. Launch the carcass through his fucking windshield. In this one, I'm not gonna lie to you, depending on traffic there could be a lot of collateral damage. But you know what? If some other people gotta die for this, that's just how it is, man. Can't be helped.
- The Pee Wee. Scream whenever he says the secret word. Constantly change the secret word. Oh, and "scream" should be taken to mean "hit him with rake".
- The Silly Putty®. You know how you can lift a picture from the newspaper by pressing Silly Putty® into it? Do that with his face. But use acid.
- Walkin' the Dog. You know this yo-yo trick? Awesome, no? While he's distracted by it, shoot him in the leg. Irony? Achieved.
- Cat Scratch Fever. Throughout all this: don't forget The Nuge, dude.
- The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. Offer to babysit his kids. Then kill everybody. Lotta people confuse with The Fatal Attraction - don't. In that one, you gotta sleep with him first.
- The Giant's Causeway. Surely one of the baffling rock formations in all of Ireland - nay, the world!
- Death From Above! Send him frequent ransom-style cut-out notes with these words over a period of months. He'll be so twitchy and always looking skyward, so it'll be super easy to get him to wander into the pit of punji sticks you dig in his driveway. Don't skimp on the feces - if you do, his wounds might not get infected.
- My Eyes Are Up Here, Buddy. Get breast implant surgery - I'm talking about massive fake boobs, here. Like they should give you pretty bad back ache. The first time he sees you, the cognitive dissonance this causes him will give you a moment to strangle him in safety. Oh, and start calling yourself "Warheads" or "Winnebagos" - get out in front of the story, man. Own it.
- The 30 Rock. Pelt him. With not fewer than 30 rocks.
- Identity Theft. There's no way you'll be able to clean out his bank account or anything, since you don't know shit about computers. Just like steal his mannerisms and catch phrases - this'll totally irritate the fuck out of him - BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?!?
- The On Golden Pond. Marry him, and stay wed for upwards of 50 years. Then outlive him. This is for sure one of those "revenge is a dish best served cold" recommendations - you really gotta be in it to win it with this one.
- The Oliver Twist. This is really just a series of titty twisters. But it kind of classes it up by busting out the Dickens - don't you feel that this is so?
- The Buffalo Bill. Make a flesh-cardigan out of him. Tuck yourself in down there. Dance around a little bit. Feels good, no?
- Eyes on the Prize. Remove his eyes. Put them, googly-eye-style, on a trophy. A bowling one would be hilarious.
- The Poetic Justice. Something where he's jussssssssst about to die and then you have like this perfect quip that makes him feel even worse about the whole situation. This one needs work, maybe.
- All the King's Horses. Break open his head. Then have horses try to fix it. They won't do dick - no opposable thumbs!
- The Fargo. Hey - why not chuck him in a wood chipper?
- The Aristocrats. Tell him an incredibly involved dirty joke - like a super long one. Drink deep of his cringing feelings of awkwardness!
- The Beluga. Promise him caviar. But then hit him with a whale of the same name. The hilarity will be lost on him, for he lies now dead.
- The Conquistador. All this one is, basically, is you rape him with one of those pointy helmets.
- "You Want Fries With That?" Say this all the time - in response to anything. No matter how nonsensical it is - speak only these words. After a few weeks of this, your family will kill you and you'll be free. Free of all this.