everyone is fucking racist.

how do i ask for a white doctor without sounding racist?

every time a young white doctor parts the partition curtain of my emergency room cubicle and says, "what brings you in today, miss irby?" i sigh forlornly while picturing this dude doing keg stands and vomiting down the front of his shirt while simulating masturbation with a stethescope. because i watch a lot of movies and reality television, and the words "white person" and "college" are synonymous with "drunk all the fucking time" and "girls gone wild sorority titties" in my tiny brain. now don't get me wrong, i will ask an ambulance driver to pass 37 functioning hospitals to get to one that white people go to, but once we arrive i want a motherfucker with twelve consonants in his last name to pull back the curtain on my dying ass while making notes in sanskrit on his clipboard. i'm always polite to caucasian doctors, because kindness is the quickest way to get some motherfucking zofran and dilauded shot into the catheter in my fucking arm, but after the initial stomach-palpating and CT scan-ordering, after i've won both his trust and liberal goodwill, i always say, in my most pathetically pain-riddled voice, "can you please get dr. mehta on the phone? he can tell you how best to treat me." in other words, GO FIND ME A GODDAMNED ASIAN.

I WANT A BITCH WHO WAS RAISED BY A TIGER MOM DIAGNOSING MY SHIT. i'm not fucking playing. listen, we know your mom (you know, the one who served wine at dinner and let you call her by her first name?) didn't make you do no goddamned homework, and your lazy fucking ass got grandfathered into yale because your family donated a library. and THAT'S AWESOME, but i want a dude who had to learn surgery under a dictator's watchful eye with the understanding that BEHEADING was his punishment for removing something from the wrong goddamned leg. we don't give a fuck about SHIT in this country. look at our cars. look at our electronics. LOOK AT OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM. ain't no americans in my doctor roster! not even warming the motherfucking bench! we are lazy and entitled and lack motivation, and FUCK ALL THAT. "no thank you, dr. smith. imma hold off the rest of this heart attack until dr. srinivasan finishes eating her chapati and tikka masala and can come take a look at me." you think i'm kidding?

ass doctor: INDIAN.
other ass doctor: KOREAN.
vagina doctor: ITALIAN.
tooth doctor: CHINESE.
general doctor: JAPANESE.
arthritis doctor: MORE INDIAN THAN MY PRIMARY ASS DOCTOR.
eye doctor: JEWISH. (jews, you are NOT WHITE. and y'all need to learn that that is NOT AN INSULT. yom tov, homie.)

every time someone suggests a doctor to me, my first question is, "what is his last name?" and if i can pronounce it on the first try without the help of motherfucking rosetta stone i immediately say, "NO THANKS, DUDE." and i'm sure any conservatives reading this are salty and telling me if i like india so much why don't i just move there, and my answer to that is "i hate heat and spicy food gives me indigestion. but thank you for the invitation." this isn't about hating america, it's about hating AMERICANS. how do i know they're the worst? because i am one of them. i half-ass everything i fucking do, and everyone praises me for it. school, work, whatever. "fair-to-middling" should be my middle goddamned name. i don't try hard at anything, yet i am rewarded for this laziness constantly. AND I WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

because here's the thing: i'm not trying to change our dumb as oxen sedentary lifestyles, i just don't want a motherfucker who eats cheetos and watches jersey shore to remove a part of my motherfucking colon. just like i wouldn't ask a chinese dude to make me some smelts and cheese grits or to press and curl my hair. (although i probably would, because chinese people are good at everything.) and my sick and diseased ass is a veritable hospital EXPERT. in thirty-one years i have been hospitalized at least forty times, and my research has always proven that the doctors whose english i understand the LEAST are the ones who are going to fix my shit the BEST. so your racist ass better get with the goddamned program.

that's right, YOU'RE RACIST. everyone is fucking racist. i will only let a black person cut my hair, yet i would never let one do my taxes. see? MOTHERFUCKING RACIST. the best part of this post-racial obama america was when instead of a united nations hamhock and cauliflower ticker tape food stamp parade the day after his inauguration white people taped lipton tea bags to all of the fedoras and straw hats gathering dust in their closets and started saying "nigger" in the middle of the goddamned grocery store. i was too busy sitting at home waiting for the mailman to deliver my reparations check, but i heard the rest of you idealists had your goddamned hearts broken when white people didn't start leaving their front doors open and inviting you in for a cold glass of milk and a warm slice of the american dream.

it's too bad john edwards fucked everything up by sticking his dick in that talking broomstick, because you hoes would've had health care and a jobs bill if anyone other than this skinny halfrican suggested it. and listen, i love barack too (we're both black, so i can call him by his first name like that), but mitch mcconnell ain't trying to work with a dude who has common on his ipod! COME ON, SON. we have to get convincing white people to do our bidding for us! that's why everyone was so stuffed with pork rinds and high on link cards and wic coupons during the clinton administration, because he knew how to talk a bitch into giving us some shit. congress is not even trying to listen to some purple lips talking about, "hey mang, can i holla at you about this debt crisis, dawg?" you need a dude who looks like he stepped out of a brooks brothers catalog or a rudyard kipling novel to lobby for your abortions and government lunch programs. HOW SOON WE FORGET.

my favorite thing is when people want to do some racist-ass shit yet are worried about appearing racist. i mean, if your racist ass has a racist preference, why does it matter how it looks to people? YOU FUCKING PHONY, if you don't want to seem racist, don't do racist shit. that's another american handicap, wanting to HAVE YOUR GODDAMNED CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO. if you don't want my dirty black hands on you, SAY THAT. there's no nice way to get it across without hurting my little brown feelings, so just get that shit off your chest so we can both move on. it's never these skinhead KKK motherfuckers you have to watch out for. at least you know where you fucking stand with them. no, it's these whole foods yoga mat bitches smiling in your fucking face and rolling their eyes behind your back when they hear your thick-ass accent as you help load eight pounds of organic cashew butter into the trunks of their hybrid SUVs the moveon.org stickers in the back windows. THOSE are the people you've got to watch your black for. (TYPO AND I'M KEEPING IT.)

it's that super secret surprise racism that really stings. i wouldn't flinch if a white stranger announced that he wanted a white physician, but i ALWAYS DO when i find out some ultra-liberal radically-progressive free-thinking liberal friend of mine doesn't want her children in a school with a high ESL population. every colored person has had that moment, when some BITCH YOU KNOW lets it slip that she thinks you're the exception or some dumb shit. and it's cool, just be upfront about it, GURL. "hey listen, irby, i have a general distaste for black people other than you. just wanted you to know. would you like a bite of my scone?" that way i'm not totally fucking blindsided when you lock the car door as a black man walks past your car as i sit in the passenger seat. (white people love driving me places, and i let them, because morgan freeman would want me to.) and don't worry, peach. i would lock my shit, too. because we are unpredictable as a people and you never know when one of us might carjack your 1996 toyota celica with the busted tape deck and heat that doesn't work. PFFFFT. i mean, maybe you shouldn't walk around calling bitches porch monkeys and shit, because that might get you killed, but stop pretending you really would go see that tyler perry movie latasha invited you to that you "just can't find the time for." TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY TEN DOLLARS TO WATCH THAT BLACK ASS MINSTREL SHIT. see? you feel better, don't you. now off you go to eat beets and crochet or whatever else it is white people do for fun.

now back to this racist asshole. has your racist ass not yet figured out how to use the motherfucking internet? type type enter click is pretty much all your racist ass has to do to find an anglo-saxon physician in your racist network who works with your racist PPO. i'm sorry to keep calling you racist, but it's a label you really should learn to get comfortable with. we need to stop sugarcoating shit and, as black people love to say, KEEP IT REAL. it's not so bad, right? i'm just calling a spade a spade.