my boyfriend wants me to shit on him.

my boyfriend wants me to take a dump on him. why?

as a person who's watched both brazilian fart porn and an agonizing twenty seconds of "two girls, one cup," i consider myself pretty well-versed in the area of weird butt stuff that some people find sexy. as a person with crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, and pretty much every other classification of gastroentological disease on the motherfucking planet, i consider myself a veritable EXPERT in all things shit-related. in other words, this is a question my gross ass was MADE FOR.

i'm not a judger when it comes to strange fetishes. i'm pretty sure that curious sexual desires come from some deeply-rooted psychological torture inflicted on a person during his childhood. or maybe dude just jerked off SO FUCKING MUCH that conventional porn just doesn't do it for him anymore. seriously, how much fake writhing and melodramatic moaning can a dude watch before staged pajama parties and sexy bubble baths no longer get his sexmotor running? if boys start masturbating at what, eight or nine?, they could easily exhaust the archives of ordinary pornography by the age of twenty-three. and then what? THEN you gotta watch bitches having sex with machines and farting on birthday cakes and shit. so there's your why, i guess. i mean, maybe. if you want a real fucking answer might need to consult a psychologist who specializes in dudes who get hot for bestiality porn or whatever. people are really into some fucked up shit, and i'm too dumb to intelligently articulate why.

i've never been into sub/dom situations, but that's 100% because i like MANLY MEN who will PUT ME IN MY GODDAMNED PLACE. i'm not fucking kidding. if someone would kindly make a porn featuring a dude with a full beard bossing some hot lady around while killing an antelope with his bare hands i would be most grateful. sassy, smart-mouthed girlz want to be told exactly what the fuck to do by a hirsute dude who sounds like his testicles have fucking dropped, and i would never let some sugarpants who wanted to be scolded while i sprayed diarrhea in his mouth give me the what for. a BRUTE would never ask for something moist like this, and those are the kinds of dudes i fuck. brutes smell like gasoline and dead animals, not someone else's fucking defecant. i mean a real man with some meat on his bones and a firm handshake who looks you in the goddamned eye while telling you exactly where you can put that backtalk, young lady. this is a man who bear hugs; NOT a weasel who delicately grandma-pats the air near your back with twelve full inches between your bodies lest he have actual physical contact with an adult human female. this is a man who will haul  your new air conditioner upstairs under one arm while carrying two loads of laundry, all of your dry cleaning, and a container of cat litter in the other; NOT a man who would tremble and whimper, "please poo on me" in a little girl voice smack in the middle of some hot lovemaking.

i like humiliating dudes in the only way that counts: in a battle of brains or wit. the comedy game is a fucking beast, man. and EVERY DUDE ON EARTH WHO EVER TOLD A MOTHERFUCKING KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE thinks he can throw the funny gauntlet down on my ass. seriously, i got an email just this morning that had the words "comedy challenge" in the subject line and thought, "here we go again. another precious ego imma have to destroy." so i get my rocks off shutting down nerds in word battles, and maybe that's why i've never been interested in spanking a sobbing gentleman with a paddle while angrily yanking on his leash.

WITH ONE NOTABLE EXCEPTION. i used to bang this dude whose shoes were a little too fucking pointy for my liking (a dead giveaway that some fruity shit is about to go down, for sure), and that dude asked me to URINATE ON HIM. i was young and mentally retarded, so i did it. multiple times. i mean, i know the makings of a good story when i hear one masturbating outside the bathroom door while i'm on the toilet. and i'm nothing if not a miner of my personal tragedy for comedy gold. so i peed on that dude all the fucking time, even though it made me feel fruity and weak, because i was bored and i liked him and it makes for an excellent story to regale people with at parties.

but pee is different. if i told you i'd just peed myself, you'd probably giggle and go run and fetch me a towel. but if i told you that I JUST SHIT MYSELF, you'd recoil in horror while covering your face and silently wishing i would stop talking to you. this IBD has been destroying my body from within for six messy years (and counting!), so believe you me i have seen every single possible face that a person makes when confronted with the information that i am on the precipice of soiling my pants. "delighted" is not how i would ever describe any of these faces. i performed a piece once about how difficult it is to try to date like a normal person when stricken with a disease that involves shit, because bitches would rather do ANYTHING than deal with shit. if i had a vomit disease or a bleeding disease or whatever it would be no fucking problem. i know people with HERPES who have happy sex lives! but tell a motherfucker you sometimes wear a diaper and what do you get? *crickets*

i would kill to stumble across a dude like this. not that i'd be interested in banging him, because being called "mommy" sours my stomach, but it would be nice to have a conversation about bloody stools without a person backing away from me trying to mask a look of disgust. i could care less about the why, frankly. i mean, do we really want to know all of the deep dark secrets that make a person we're interested in relating with a goddamned sexual deviant? NO, NO WE DO NOT. guaranteed if you knew the real reason some dude wanted you to tie him up and blast his rectum with a cattle prod you would never have sex with that sociopath ever again. so let's just focus on the HOW. as in, "HOW ON EARTH DO YOU GO ABOUT MAKING THIS REPULSIVE SHIT HAPPEN?"

dumps are smelly and full of bacteria and germs. but so is your mouth. that said, i'd much rather kiss a person who hadn't brushed his teeth in a couple days than have his soft serve bowel movement dropped on my stomach. because that's where you'd put it, right? a relatively smooth and flat surface? omg, WHERE DOES IT GO? what position does one assume as the shitter? AS THE SHITEE?!

i don't like a whole lot of discussion as a precursor to sex, i find it incredibly difficult to maintain my erection through a whole bunch of blah blah blah, and i've already posed more questions on this one subject than i have about every sexual possibilty i have ever encountered. where do you do it? who cleans it up? do you have sex while it's on you? do you touch it? DO YOU SPREAD IT?! how do you deal with the smell? does he prefer runny poop or a solid, formed stool? how do you relax your sphincter enough to shit on a dude in a romantical setting? do you squat? spread your butt cheeks apart? shit in your hand and wipe it on him? just thinking about all this makes me gag, and i'm comfortable with my dirty, poopy parts! i can't even imagine how you ask a person to do this for you. i have a hard enough time asking a dude to bite me and fuck me on my period, i cannot even imagine how the "hey honey, i was thinking we might add a little number 2 to our sexual repertoire" conversation goes. can't talk about it over dinner, that's for sure.

maybe that's the solution. just stop eating altogether. then you'll never have to take a shit. no shit = you never have to figure out how to take one on this young man's scrawny bird chest. and while he might get his soiled panties in a knot about it, i know dozens of dudes who like to pretend women don't have bodily functions i can introduce you to. you're about to become most men's sopping wet dream, sister.