nice guys finish last?

dear irby and ian:
i've been out a few times with this guy who is cute, sweet, funny, and he does everything right, but i'm just not attracted to him. he's really super nice and i don't want to hurt his feelings. how can i let him down gently?

irby: i just vomited a little. i'm not kidding, dude. i'm eating some potatoes for lunch right now and upon reading this idiotic fucking question a tiny little bit of undigested potato chunks lurched up my goddamned esophagus. some bitches obviously just can't have nice shit. you buy your clothes at pay/half and pick your men up at a soup kitchen for violent degenerate sociopaths, amirite? goddamn you, now i'm mad. this is so motherfucking crazy. maybe i've had too many dudes who do EVERYTHING WRONG, but you bet your sweet ass if i met one who did everything right i'd be washing his feet with my hair and asking how many bologna and cheese sandwiches i could make him, not writing this silly letter to figure out the best way to dump his ass. i'm super pissed. this stupid bitch should be dragged out in front of a fucking firing squad. I HATE HER.

have you just not dated enough motherfucking shit-eating assholes? have you somehow dodged the milestone that is fucking a dude who doesn't give half a shit about you?! because i can't imagine that if you'd suffered through the agony that is canceled dates and forgotten birthdays and ignored text messages you would want to go back to that miserable shit ever fucking again. ambivalent dudes who don't call you totally fucking suck. jerk dudes who don't make dinner plans totally fucking suck. broke dudes who can't buy their own cocktails totally fucking suck. selfish dudes who aren't good to you in bed totally fucking suck. if it's a matter of "excitement" you can totally shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down, because unless you're a stuntman or an international criminal NOTHING IS EVER REALLY THAT EXCITING. i don't know, maybe getting punched in the face by a mean dude who pretends he loves you is a nonstop goddamned thrill ride, but i don't really fucking believe that.

what is this "not attracted" business? cute, sweet, funny. hmmm. yeah, he sounds like a total shitpussy. i kind of feel like chicks like this are the ones who secretly want a dude to drop kick them down a flight of stairs or whatever to prove that he's interested in her. or maybe my man standards (mandards?) are way too fucking low. my list, in order of priority, looks someting like this: HILARIOUS, NOT AN IDIOT, NICE, NOT AN ASSHOLE, HILARIOUS, SMART, FUNNY, WITTY, SHARP, BRAINY, HILARIOUS, SMART, BRILLIANT, HILARIOUS, NOT DUMB, ABLE TO GROW A BEARD, HILARIOUS, DECENT-SIZED TESTICLES. is that too much to ask for? handsome doesn't even make the fucking list, because while i appreciate a face that's nicely constructed and neatly put together, hot dudes are too much fucking work. it's not a requirement. and everyone is sexy in his own goddamned way. EVERYONE. i wouldn't necessarily kick a hot piece out of bed, although i totally might if he were wearing designer underwear and refused to remove his socks and/or bluetooth and/or platinum chain, but the minute he started trying to order his own food off the menu and not letting me pick out his clothes he's getting a boot in his ass. i'd rather have a dude who looked like the kid in "mask" and could nail a punchline rather than some dumbshit wannabe model.

isn't attraction something that can be built upon a foundation of "this motherfucker just bought me a steak at ruth's chris?" this is going to sound like THE SLUTTIEST ANSWER EVER, but i could bang a dude i wasn't immediately drawn to after ten minutes of good conversation. or an open tab with his name on it. what is all this "not attracted" bullshit?! he can't be a disgusting hobgoblin, because you let him take you out "a few times." a few times during which he was CUTE and FUNNY and PERFECT. i wish i knew what the real reason is, because not attracted just isn't a real thing in the samantha irby sexual lexicon. SEXICON, omg. there's "doesn't listen to me in bed" or "talks too much about dumb shit i don't care about," but "i am not attracted to this amazing dude" is never a thing i would ever fucking say. i wouldn't even think that shit, because i used to bang a dude who didn't really care about me and once peed in my kitchen sink because he was so blind fucking DRUNK.

but this isn't even really about hot dudes, is it? it's about fucking nice dudes, and why our collective self-esteem is so fucking sub-basement low that somehow "nice" is a motherfucking problem. so, okay. everyone has been molested, right? or date raped? or suffered through some other sort of godawful sexual hideousness? IS THAT THE EXPLANATION? i mean, is that why we can't deal with a nice dude who wants to be sweet to us? is that why when a good dude tries to make our lives easier and shows genuine interest in us that we can't find the gentle exit quickly enough? and by "us" i mean "YOU BITCHES," because i would burn this building down to the motherfucking ground right goddamned now if it meant a dude who is consistently nice and awesome to me would bring flowers to my apartment sometimes and occasionally ask me how i'm fucking feeling. i wouldn't even give a fuck about jail, because i know that nice fucking dude would come GET MY ASS OUT.

so my answer is simple: break up with him and give him my phone number. don't even worry about letting him down easy. i mean, really destroy him. seriously, i don't even care if you gave him herpes or whatever; i'm sure he'd pay for my valtrex. and then take your dumb ass to therapy and work out whatever it is that is TOTALLY FUCKING YOU UP. mister nice guy and i will toast you at our wedding.