do some men get dogs to pick up women? i've noticed some men use their dogs as bait at dog parks or on walks to reel women in and get them interested. then they sleep with them and move on to the next lady. are dog parks the new booty spot? it happened to my friend!
my real job, what i do for twelve goddamned hours a day when i'm not filling the internet with blog vomit, is at an animal hospital in a wealthy suburb on the north shore of chicago. it's way less awesome than you might think. not to disabuse you of whatever preconceived notions you have of what modern day veterinary medicine might entail, but you can get that adorable little puppy and kitten shit off your fucking mind. that's everyone's first exclamation: "wow! you work in an animal hospital! that must be SO MUCH FUN." it is not, in a word, FUN. it is grueling, thankless work during which i spend countless hours being talked down to by bitches with black amex cards because you don't really have to respect the person facilitating care for your stupid dog, even though you paid a breeder five grand for that coton de tulear she shipped first class from madagascar, and if i weren't being paid so goddamned handsomely (read: if i couldn't wear birkenstocks and hoodies all motherfucking day and be on facebook all the time) i would've quit this soul-shattering, dream-crushing career nine years ago. but i only fucking went to high school, so relegated to a lifetime of service industry asshole sucking it is. and listening to idiots try to lecture me about organic, grain-free dog food is a step up from an airport mop job, which was the other career path i was considering when i stumbled into this lucrative gig.
i know what you're thinking. "this bitch is just some fancy window dressing, a total affirmative action hire who doesn't really know shit." and you might be might be fucking right, because i'm the only tar baby up in here and sometimes i catch these white people clutching their purses when i walk by to go the the bathroom. but so what, i've learned some things, goddamn you. against my will and virtually by osmosis while sitting here scowling at my computer screen waiting for my real life to start. (this can't really be it, can it?!) questions like this just make me think of all the dumb kids who roll through here with their boutique handbag dogs that are "totally awesome and cute" until they vomit up a bunch of ascarids or tapeworms and chew a designer shoe until it's unrecognizable, then they get bored with it and want to give it away or whatever. it's the exact same way i feel about babies.
here's some shit you jerks need to goddamned know:
1 vaccinate your fucking pets. if you care about your cat or dog, save your beer money and get it a motherfucking check-up. ANNUALLY. including some vaccines. and maybe a stupid microchip, too. oh, i know, "he doesn't go outside." fuck you, man. they need a full physical examination every year, so that you're not blindsided five years from now when you discover that his kidneys are failing and you have to do subcutaneous fluids you aren't emotionally prepared for. i know it's expensive and time-consuming, but so is your hair. i mean, right?
2 there is no such thing as "organic dog food." sorry, jerks, but the federal agency that regulates the organic claim made by dog food companies DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. snobs come in all shapes and sizes, and pet care snobs ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. you need to feed your dog food that it will eat that gives it a nice shiny coat and formed stools. it does not have to be fancy. save that food money and put that dog on name brand heartworm preventative and frontline. that's what KILLS the people in your vet's office, in case you were wondering. you spend four hundred dollars a month on raw dog food from the tiny boutique around the corner, yet you gamble with real diseases in order to save five or six bucks on some generic shit from 1-800-petmeds. IVERHEART GOT RECALLED, people. just saying.
3 gay couples and women who've decided not to take their husband's last names, FUCKING FEMINIST BULLSHIT, please remember whose fucking surname your dog is under. this is pretty self-explanatory. and we hate you. there are 19,000 dogs named "max" in our goddamned database. pick a name and stick with it. your pediatrician will appreciate this, too.
4 your dog doesn't have human feelings. i sometimes joke that helen keller talks to me and hates the same shit on tv that i hate, but that bitch shits in a box full of pine litter and eats food off the floor before using her mouth to clean her asshole, which is what i want you to remember next time you find yourself explaining to another person that your dog is "embarrassed" or anything else distinctly human.
if there are hot single men who buy dogs with the sole intention of impressing women, it is my early christmas wish that they might start bringing those dogs to our hospital. dudes with girlfriends get dogs. most dudes you know don't have two clean socks to wear at the same time, and it's hard to imagine that one might willingly take on the responsibility that comes with CARING FOR ANOTHER LIVING BEING other than at the behest of a nagging girlfriend who is using that adorable little mutt as a litmus test to see how he'll be as a father. (let me answer that for you: UNHELPFUL and INATTENTIVE.) if that dude is really single and really hasn't borrowed that dog from the couple who live in the condo above his, then he is obviously a huge fucking weirdo. dogs are a major fucking responsibility. and i'm not even saying that as an animal person; which i'm not really, since i dine on the flesh of slaughtered bald eagles and regularly wear tiger pelts in place of conventional clothing. i'm saying that as a lazy bitch who sometimes doesn't shower as much as she should.
implausibility #1: you have to pattern your schedule around the eating and shitting habits of this stupid animal. remember the last time you hung out with a dog person? OF COURSE YOU DO, because that asshole started reminding you that she had to leave to take the dog out five minutes after you got to the bar. oh, and what about that other time she was late to dinner because she had to run home and feed that same dog because the dogwalker texted her that she wasn't going to be able to come over twice? no single dude is going through all that hassle just to get a piece of mediocre ass. dudes want to be out getting white boy wasted and popping their collars in cheesy hotel bars, not racing from the office downtown up to his trendy loft building in the gentrified part of wicker park to take "wrigley" for a walk around the block (jesus christ SO MANY WRIGLEYS and ADDISONS, you unoriginal toolboxes), then back down to hit on corny broads at the sofitel.
implausibility #2: dogs are goddamned expensive. i've been out of the game for a minute, and i don't have a penis, but i imagine a dude would rather spend money on fruity metrosexual clothes and a new-ish honda to try to convince a bitch to jump into bed with him. the vet costs MONEY, medication costs MONEY, food costs MONEY, collars and leashes cost MONEY, daycare costs MONEY, toys cost MONEY, groomers cost MONEY. and not just one time, this dog is going to eat half that dude's paycheck and shit out the rest. EVERY SINGLE MONTH. i mean, if he's doing it right. and he has to do it right, because no bitch at the dog park is going to go home with the dude whose mangy, unneutered, flea-ridden beagle mix is marking everyone's pant leg and mounting every female dog in sight. plus, dudes like cable and flat screens and blackberries and video game consoles and computers and fancy gadgets that require all sorts of expensive service plans. in my life i have dated ONE DUDE who eschewed fancy toys and television sets in favor of quiet contemplation, and that dude was a fucking fruitbag. normal dudes want shiny things that bleep and require nineteen remotes. and those things cost MONEY. you could just as easily attract the attention of a woman with a brand new BMW, for approximately the same amount of money as a couple years of dog bills.
implausibility #3: crazy + crazy = terrible match that will die a fiery death. animal people are fucking nuts. there, i said it. 100% insane, myself included. now, i only have one cat and i would never walk up to a stranger and lecture him about spaying, but helen keller has a special pillow on my bed. i run five humidifiers to help her breathe because she has chronic upper respiratory infections. i pay through the nose for special food for her. she uses feline pine in her litterbox, which means my place smells like a pine air freshener that a cat peed on and leaves my floor littered with pale yellow sand. she sleeps on my desk, in my chair, and sometimes in the bathroom sink. sometimes that bitch jumps in the refrigerator. all this to reaffirm that i am a bit of a crazy person. now imagine two of me, together, in the same relationship. TERRIFYING, at best. animal people have to be with people who can tolerate animals, yet aren't crazy about them like we are. that's just a recipe for pet hoarding and a snatch full of cat dander. ew.
basically what i'm saying is that you should stop throwing salt in this dude's genius game. it's so hard to meet people nowadays that i applaud the effort he took to comb his hair and put his skinny jeans on, borrow his sister's dog (or sneak out with the dog he bought his girlfriend last christmas while that bitch is at work), take a handful of biscuits to the dog park, and mack all the lonely cockblocking-ass broads who would otherwise be at home knitting sweaters for their maltipoos. SO WHAT if he's lying to women? would you rather be lied to at a bar? in a nightclub? ON THE INTERNET?! at least this dog park pimping is helping to socialize some bored chihuahuas! besides, haven't you ever learned that men are dogs?
Word.
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