Ian, here, FFA. Listen. It is physically not possible for me to give a shit about what you're asking me. When you preface ANYTHING with the phrase "I've been reading in men's magazines," all you have succeeded in doing in announcing "I am an asshole."
If you are reading men's magazines ANYWHERE but airports and dental waiting rooms, then I feel compelled to report to you that you are a total asshole. A total fucking asshole of the chronic and irredeemable variety. If you are a grown-ass man, you have no goddamn business reading fucking men's magazines. Men's magazines are for boys in their late teens who are trying and failing to learn the secrets of manhood. If you have a job and don't live with your folks, put the fucking FHM down, dude. And the fucking Maxim. And Men's fucking Health. And fucking GQ. And fucking Esquire. And Men's fucking Fitness. And Men's fucking Journal. And fucking Details. And all that shit. And, hey - I got news for you: if you are poring over the pages of Muscle & Fitness, then what you're holding in your hands is entry-level gay porn. And yes, I see the pun. Stop boring me.
Without changing a fucking pixel of their content, any one of these idiot rags could change its title to Man-Child or Vain & Shallow. Take a quick survey of all of them, and you'll find the same earth-shattering revelations: Megan Fox? Well, she's hot. Robert Downey, Jr.? Bit a rascal, actually. Ryan Gosling? That kid's got it going on.
Look: this is not a snob thing. I LOVE lowbrow bullshit. If my wife would permit it, I'd have Hobo With a Shotgun on in an endless loop, but she's all "it'll scar the children" or whatever. Point is this: it is possible to consume mindless entertainment that's not the conceptual equivalent of Groundhog Day - you could riffle through any issue of any one of these slickly produced turds and find one of the following pieces of hard-hitting journalism:
- Movie Stars: Quite Attractive.
- Exclusive Photo Spread: Chick You Never Heard Of That's Got a Bit Part in Upcoming Action Movie - She Consents to Appear Topless, We Agree to Talk About Her Like Her Stardom Is Assured. Which It Is Not.
- Lapels: This Season's Game Changers.
- The Girl Next Door: Turns Out She's a Total Slut, If These Pics Are To Be Believed.
- Stubble: Like Scratchity-Ass Pheromones the Ladies Are Powerless to Resist.
- The Dog: Man's Best Friend AND Unfailing Pussy Magnet. So Man's Best Friend Two Times, Really.
- Hey - Who Doesn't Like Naughty Librarian Girl?
- Aglets: Care and Upkeep.
- Sleeveless Undershirts and Being Muscular: A Winning Combination.
- Hit It And Quit It: Confessions of a Smug Fuckface.
- Cock on Wheels: We Test Drive Cars With a Sticker Price North of A Hundred K - You Read Our Reviews Like You're a Serious Buyer, Though You Are a Part-Time Assistant Manager at Best Buy, You Deluded Peach-Fuzz Lump of Shit.
- Body Hair: How Not to Gross Her Totally Out, Ya Fucking Sasquatch.
- Collar Stays: We Talk About Them Like There Are Lives At Stake.
- Adventure Time: These Explorers and Extreme Sportsmen Serve as a Chilling Reminder of Just What a Limp Little Dick Like a Hazelnut You Have.
- January Jones: We'll Break Down Her Turn-Ons So That When You Stand In Line to Get Her Autograph at Comic-Con You'll Totally Have a Shot, Brother.
- War: We Don't Really Know Much About Geo-Politics, But Weapons? They Are Cool as Shit.
- Holiday Gift Guide: We Recommend a Hundred-Dollar Nose Hair Trimmer With a Straight Fucking Face.
- Baking: Gateway to Tons of Pussy - For Real.
- Cigars: Expensive? Foul? Or Both?
- That Hugh Jackman Is Really Just One of the Boys. See? Here's a Shot of Him Playing Pool. JUST LIKE YOU DO, SOMETIMES.
- Racquetball. Remember That Shit?
- Dead Dad Who Maybe Didn't Love Me, Which I'm Totally Cool With. No Prob - Seriously: A Memoir of Growing Up in the Shadow of a Stoic and Inscrutable Despot.
- We Are Going Do the SAME FUCKING EIGHT-PAGE SPREAD of Giant Straw Sun Hats For Men That We Do Every Goddamn Spring Until You Assholes Start Buying These Things.
- Punching Yourself to Avoid Crying.
- Human Trafficking: There's a Downside, Apparently.
- Christina Hendricks: She's In a Get-Up Like Jessica Rabbit. This One Is a Classic. We're Really Quite Proud of This One, As We Feel We've Truly Outdone Ourselves.
- Winston Churchill: We Talk About His Suits.
- Neal Patrick Harris? Actually Pretty OK For a Gay Dude. Still Completely Threatening, Obviously, But, Hey - We're Trying.
- Tuscany: Not On U.S. Soil.
- Ordering the Right Wine: She Will Totally Drop Her Skivvies If You Do.
- Red Meat: A Love Letter.
- Moisturizers: Why We Devote More Column Inches to Them Than We Ever Will to the Occupy Wall Street Movement.
- Including a Black Model in This Spread About Overcoats - No Biggie.
- Hey, Bra - You Know What'll Fill That Howling Void? Thousand Dollar Watch.
- Tech Porn: We Have Total Chowderpants for These Gadgets - PLUS We Just Shit Ourselves and We Are Not Even Kidding, Here.
- If You Wear These Same Cuff Links Seen In This Photo of a CEO Pretending to Talk on the Phone While Hailing a Cab, We Can Guaran-Fucking-Tee You'll Be Rich Like Him.
- And Listen: These Gadgets? They Will in No Way Be Supplanted By a Subsequent Generation of Gadgets In Four and a Half Months.
- Paternity Suit: The Power of Denying All Knowledge.
- Hemingway's Legacy: Remembering a Literary Lion by Draping Sleek Bronzed Models in a Bull-Fighting Arena.
- We Are Not Kidding On These Gadgets, You Guys - Our Love For Them is Total. And Enduring. We Will Stand By These Gadgets Till the End of Ti– Hold Up. New Press Release From Toshiba.
- Wing Man: Your Hideous Buds Are Actually Useful.
- Going Green: Yeah, This Sidebar About Taking Public Transport Should Totally Make Up For the Eleven-Page Feature on ATVs.
- Ask a Douche: Advice For Navigating Our Complex Times. As Long as by "Navigating" You Mean Double- vs. Single-Breasted Jackets, or Why Pleats Are Always Wrong.
- Giving Back For the Holidays: This Photo Spread of Models in $1800 Leather Jackets Doling Out Stew at a Soup Kitchen Ought to Do It.
- Having a 30-Inch Waist. It Totally Will Fix Everything. Even If You Were Raped by a Priest.
- Hitting Your Hand With a Hammer: Just to Feel SOMETHING.
- Trawling For Pussy at the Abortion Clinic: A Scoundrel's Guide.
- Grilling: The Only Time You Can Wear an Apron Without Looking Like a Total Fairy.
- Those Bullies Who Tormented You in Junior High May Have Onto Something. You Little Fucker.
- Adrienne Barbeau: 'Member That Rack?
- Date Rape: Know the Laws in Your State BEFORE You Go Out.
- Wringing Relevance Out of a Corpse: Another James Dean Article.
- Dude Bulimia: Puke-Inducing Workouts.
- Fucking in the Server Closet: Not Your Old Man's Office Romance.
- Charlize Theron: Spread-Eagled in a Bank Vault. Oh, And Accompanying Article About Fed Policy.
- Interview: Haunted-Looking American Apparel® Models. We Let Them Spout Off About the Suffering in Sudan or Whatever As Long As We Get Tons of Pics.
- That Pink-Haired Esurance Girl: Not Real, Maybe, But Totally Worth Banging.
- Out of Nowhere, We Grow Suddenly Insistent That You Care a Shit-Ton About Retro LeTigre® Sportswear.
- We Treat the Announcement of the Latest Bond Girl Like It's the Magna Fucking Carta or Something.
- Interview: Sir Mix-A-Lot on the Approach of Bikini Season. You Better Fucking Believe Our Copy Editors Will Feature the Phrase "Kick Them Nasty Thoughts" in the Headline. We Call This Vision.
- Sailing: Why You Should Give the Sport of Trust Fund Cunts a Second Look.
- Hookers: We're Totally in Favor. We Bury It In Coy Language About "The Oldest Profession" But Make No Mistake - We Are All About Hookers Going Amsterdam Crazy All the Goddamn Time. Lobby Your Congressman.
If you read this shit, you're a spineless and approval-seeking dickmunch free of personality or the brains you'd find on a slaughterhouse floor.
And summer months should be for sparingly applied light-bodied scents with a citrus notes, and in winter, heavier-bodied fragrances with musk or spice notes are best. You damp little shitwad.
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