how to turn on your man.

dear irby and ian,
my boyfriend keeps asking me to talk dirty to him during sex, but i have no idea what to say. do you have any suggestions?

"why are you such a loser?"
"ear hair? seriously?"
"do any of your underwear not have holes?"
"when is the last time you read a book?"
"stop kissing me like that."
"i know you're cheating on me, i just have to catch you."
"i can't believe you graduated high school."
"my ex-boyfriend is so much hotter than you."
"do you even know what g-spot means?"
"only losers play world of warcraft."
"pick up the dry cleaning after work."
"sex with you is always SO unsatisfying."
"why didn't you take the garbage out?"
"my sister's boyfriend is so much smarter than you are."
"when are you going to get a better job?"
"your penis is small."
"you have terrible taste in clothes."
"how long has it been since you last had a haircut?"
"your apartment is dirty."
"clip your toenails."
"that restaurant you picked was terrible."
"why don't you ever bring me flowers?"
"you smell weird."
"have your balls always looked this gross?"
"my father still disapproves of you."
"when are we moving in together?"
"i think your best friend hates me."
"why don't you cuddle with me anymore?"
"i caught you looking at amanda's ass the other night at dinner."
"are you still in love with me?"
"what are you getting me for my birthday?"
"you DO remember when my birthday is, don't you?"
"want to come to my office party tomorrow?"
"i hate your friend greg."
"can you take my car in?"
"why do you snore so loud?"
"you've put some weight on."
"does any part of your body have muscle definition?"
"that cd you bought me totally sucks."
"is your family ever going to accept me?"
"when are you getting a haircut, again?"
"stop doing it so rough!"
"i feel like i might be falling out of love with you."
"where did you get those ugly shoes?"
"your half of the rent is overdue."
"does this nightie make me look fat?"
"you forgot toilet paper at the grocery store again, idiot."
"your mom is a bitch."
"come on, mcdonalds again?"
"when did you give up on life?"
"cartoons are for children."
"i think you're stupid."
"you make me sick."
"you ruined my life."
"i fucking hate you."

"WHY HAVEN'T YOU PROPOSED TO ME YET? I TOLD YOU I EXPECTED TO BE MARRIED BY NOW!"