dear irby and ian: is it appropriate for my boyfriend of over two years to be following a porn star on twitter?
irby: twitter is for twats. i hate motherfucking twitter. okay, let's first get the obvious out of the way: as a self-described EGOMANIACAL MACROBLOGGER, i am wholly resistant to the idea that i might have to limit my genius to a mere 140 characters of space and text. really? you expect this limitless hilarious to be contained? what's next, writing my shit to fit in a fortune cookie?! i have a lot of words, man. and i kind of want to say all of them. and you deserve to read all of them. plus, abbreviation makes me catatonic with rage. bitches on the twitter machine rarely tweet using complete sentences. it's maddening.
second, if you follow more than three goddamned people, TWITTER IS CONFUSING AS A MOTHERFUCKER. i'm not nineteen and i don't play video games, so i can hardly see the value in trying to scroll through the 372 rapid-fire tweets twittered out by the twats i follow in the last minute and a half. i can't keep up with that shit, homie. first i gotta click that link you tweeted, then i gotta find my place in the newsfeed after i finish reading that that boring-ass article you thought was important enough to send a link to, then i gotta see if anyone messaged me. or retweeted one of my tweets. bitches gotta check the book of faces, bitches gotta see what dlisted is talking about, bitches gotta skim 60 new emails, bitches gotta read some news on the daily beast, bitches gotta scan the new york times, bitches gotta holler at gawker and jezebel, bitches gotta check my facebooks AGAIN, bitches gotta macroblog, bitches gotta beg hoes to do my show, bitches gotta sort through invites to do other hoes' shows, bitches gotta sext this hot tall dude, bitches gotta find shows to go to, bitches gotta see what movies are coming out, bitches gotta maintain seven separate gchat conversations and not lose my place in any of them, bitches gotta internet stalk, bitches gotta holler at tumblr porn, bitches gotta call friends back, bitches gotta pick up meds from the pharmacy, bitches gotta download that new eugenides novel on the kindle, bitches gotta cut shit out of magazines, bitches gotta write, bitches gotta work, bitches gotta nap, oh my fucking god BITCHES GOTTA EAT.
and then, when i finally finish doing all of that, i come back to my newsfeed only to find that there are 4,976 more updates. and it's only been five goddamned minutes.
not to mention, twitter is like one big conversation between a bunch of motherfuckers who DON'T KNOW SHIT. it's the fucking manifestation of the phrase "opinions are like assholes," and there's nothing like a well-placed hashtag to make some dumbfuck think he's the king of the goddamned interwebs. god, it's like a collection of brain farts from every stupid person you've ever met in your entire fucking life, UNFILTERED. even if, like me, you carefully craft the list of people you follow so as to spare your bleeding eyeballs from the misspelled mini-rants from morons who would better serve this earth by being buried at its core, sometimes bullshit filters through. or someone you thought was awesome retweets some shit a teenager wrote. i used to be polite and follow people who, apropos of nothing, followed me. but fuck that. if your shit isn't protected and i can scroll through and ensure that your tweets sounds as though you might walk upright and be able to operate heavy machinery then i might follow you back. but i usually don't, because i think most people are dumb.
following celebrities is the wackest move, because even the smart and funny ones NEVER TWEET ANYTHING WORTH A DAMN. never. everytime i read a celebrity tweet i think, "this asshole is obviously retarded." or, more accurately, "this asshole's assistant who cyrano's this bitch's tweets is obviously retarded." have you heard beyonce speak before? she sounds like a kindergartner with a mouth full of crayons! why on earth would i ever be interested in anything that woman has to say on the internet?! imma need b to keep gyrating her half-nekkid ass and singing songs about jay-z's lips (that's all i picture every time i hear a love song by her, OMG; jay-z and beyonce fucking on a pile of money, it's gross), not tweeting "have a good day, y'all" or whatever the fuck.
following a stripper makes even less motherfucking sense, as i imagine all their tweets look like something like this:
"oh oh ohhhhh, right there! fuck me harder! oh yes oh yes!"
"wax my pussy today, it's totaly redy for you, big boy."
@lonelyballs202 "your cock is so big, ooohhh yes! fuck me! put your big cock in me!"
barf.
seriously, aren't we all watching the same goddamned porn? when is the last time you watched eva angelina let a dude creampie her asshole before she shit the come into some other broad's waiting mouth and thought to yourself, "self, i wonder what this bitch thinks about the crisis in darfur? i wonder if her tweets could give me insight into who she really is as a person?" QUIT PLAYING WITH ME, ASSHOLE. you don't think that. no, you think "why is there so much lotion on this goddamned mouse? fuck, i need to watch that last part again!"
are bitches really getting laid off twitter like that? i mean, i've heard of a couple @messages that resulted in some uglies getting bumped, but those were REGULAR GODDAMNED PEOPLE. are porn stars and celebrities really trying to fuck dudes who tweet at them while they jerk off in your family room? okay, i understand. i understand why you'd worry, initially. a few years ago i had this terrible unrequited crush on a dude who used twitter as his primary form of communication (seriously, he TWEETED more than he TEXTED), and i spent more time than i should publicly admit scrolling through his feed and trying to figure out whom all of the women he was having conversations with were. it is EXHAUSTING because, unlike having access to someone's email, tweets are short little out-of-context bursts of nothingness. i couldn't tell if he was fucking them or if they were his sisters, and believe me, I TRIED. which is why this shit is dumb, because it will have a bitch who has no idea what "trending" means scrolling through nine hours of irrelevant posts trying to figure out if some dude really likes her or not.
i think the real problem here is trying to fuck dudes in the age of the internets, and i have no consolation other than "pretend that shit doesn't exist." seriously, girls, you have to unfollow that dude's twat and make him limited profile your ass on facebook if you're just going to make yourself nuts. the internet is a total crazymaker, and even the nicest, sweetest, most loyal person can look like a scumbag if you read his comment threads too closely. anonymous flirting is the currency of the times in which we live, and no better example of that is these goddamned tweets and shit. if i'm interested in a man, i try my best not to click on any of his internet shit, because once you do the rabbit hole goes so far down you might never come back.
so don't worry. that bitch makes ten grand per boner or some shit, and i highly doubt she's going to give it up to climb through the computer screen and bang that broke-ass piece of shit you've been fucking for two whole years. relax, ho. it's just twitter!
you can follow samantha irby's uproarious tweets @wordscience. she often twitters in complete sentences, and is obviously a total goddamned hypocrite.
irby: twitter is for twats. i hate motherfucking twitter. okay, let's first get the obvious out of the way: as a self-described EGOMANIACAL MACROBLOGGER, i am wholly resistant to the idea that i might have to limit my genius to a mere 140 characters of space and text. really? you expect this limitless hilarious to be contained? what's next, writing my shit to fit in a fortune cookie?! i have a lot of words, man. and i kind of want to say all of them. and you deserve to read all of them. plus, abbreviation makes me catatonic with rage. bitches on the twitter machine rarely tweet using complete sentences. it's maddening.
second, if you follow more than three goddamned people, TWITTER IS CONFUSING AS A MOTHERFUCKER. i'm not nineteen and i don't play video games, so i can hardly see the value in trying to scroll through the 372 rapid-fire tweets twittered out by the twats i follow in the last minute and a half. i can't keep up with that shit, homie. first i gotta click that link you tweeted, then i gotta find my place in the newsfeed after i finish reading that that boring-ass article you thought was important enough to send a link to, then i gotta see if anyone messaged me. or retweeted one of my tweets. bitches gotta check the book of faces, bitches gotta see what dlisted is talking about, bitches gotta skim 60 new emails, bitches gotta read some news on the daily beast, bitches gotta scan the new york times, bitches gotta holler at gawker and jezebel, bitches gotta check my facebooks AGAIN, bitches gotta macroblog, bitches gotta beg hoes to do my show, bitches gotta sort through invites to do other hoes' shows, bitches gotta sext this hot tall dude, bitches gotta find shows to go to, bitches gotta see what movies are coming out, bitches gotta maintain seven separate gchat conversations and not lose my place in any of them, bitches gotta internet stalk, bitches gotta holler at tumblr porn, bitches gotta call friends back, bitches gotta pick up meds from the pharmacy, bitches gotta download that new eugenides novel on the kindle, bitches gotta cut shit out of magazines, bitches gotta write, bitches gotta work, bitches gotta nap, oh my fucking god BITCHES GOTTA EAT.
and then, when i finally finish doing all of that, i come back to my newsfeed only to find that there are 4,976 more updates. and it's only been five goddamned minutes.
not to mention, twitter is like one big conversation between a bunch of motherfuckers who DON'T KNOW SHIT. it's the fucking manifestation of the phrase "opinions are like assholes," and there's nothing like a well-placed hashtag to make some dumbfuck think he's the king of the goddamned interwebs. god, it's like a collection of brain farts from every stupid person you've ever met in your entire fucking life, UNFILTERED. even if, like me, you carefully craft the list of people you follow so as to spare your bleeding eyeballs from the misspelled mini-rants from morons who would better serve this earth by being buried at its core, sometimes bullshit filters through. or someone you thought was awesome retweets some shit a teenager wrote. i used to be polite and follow people who, apropos of nothing, followed me. but fuck that. if your shit isn't protected and i can scroll through and ensure that your tweets sounds as though you might walk upright and be able to operate heavy machinery then i might follow you back. but i usually don't, because i think most people are dumb.
following celebrities is the wackest move, because even the smart and funny ones NEVER TWEET ANYTHING WORTH A DAMN. never. everytime i read a celebrity tweet i think, "this asshole is obviously retarded." or, more accurately, "this asshole's assistant who cyrano's this bitch's tweets is obviously retarded." have you heard beyonce speak before? she sounds like a kindergartner with a mouth full of crayons! why on earth would i ever be interested in anything that woman has to say on the internet?! imma need b to keep gyrating her half-nekkid ass and singing songs about jay-z's lips (that's all i picture every time i hear a love song by her, OMG; jay-z and beyonce fucking on a pile of money, it's gross), not tweeting "have a good day, y'all" or whatever the fuck.
following a stripper makes even less motherfucking sense, as i imagine all their tweets look like something like this:
"oh oh ohhhhh, right there! fuck me harder! oh yes oh yes!"
"wax my pussy today, it's totaly redy for you, big boy."
@lonelyballs202 "your cock is so big, ooohhh yes! fuck me! put your big cock in me!"
barf.
seriously, aren't we all watching the same goddamned porn? when is the last time you watched eva angelina let a dude creampie her asshole before she shit the come into some other broad's waiting mouth and thought to yourself, "self, i wonder what this bitch thinks about the crisis in darfur? i wonder if her tweets could give me insight into who she really is as a person?" QUIT PLAYING WITH ME, ASSHOLE. you don't think that. no, you think "why is there so much lotion on this goddamned mouse? fuck, i need to watch that last part again!"
are bitches really getting laid off twitter like that? i mean, i've heard of a couple @messages that resulted in some uglies getting bumped, but those were REGULAR GODDAMNED PEOPLE. are porn stars and celebrities really trying to fuck dudes who tweet at them while they jerk off in your family room? okay, i understand. i understand why you'd worry, initially. a few years ago i had this terrible unrequited crush on a dude who used twitter as his primary form of communication (seriously, he TWEETED more than he TEXTED), and i spent more time than i should publicly admit scrolling through his feed and trying to figure out whom all of the women he was having conversations with were. it is EXHAUSTING because, unlike having access to someone's email, tweets are short little out-of-context bursts of nothingness. i couldn't tell if he was fucking them or if they were his sisters, and believe me, I TRIED. which is why this shit is dumb, because it will have a bitch who has no idea what "trending" means scrolling through nine hours of irrelevant posts trying to figure out if some dude really likes her or not.
i think the real problem here is trying to fuck dudes in the age of the internets, and i have no consolation other than "pretend that shit doesn't exist." seriously, girls, you have to unfollow that dude's twat and make him limited profile your ass on facebook if you're just going to make yourself nuts. the internet is a total crazymaker, and even the nicest, sweetest, most loyal person can look like a scumbag if you read his comment threads too closely. anonymous flirting is the currency of the times in which we live, and no better example of that is these goddamned tweets and shit. if i'm interested in a man, i try my best not to click on any of his internet shit, because once you do the rabbit hole goes so far down you might never come back.
so don't worry. that bitch makes ten grand per boner or some shit, and i highly doubt she's going to give it up to climb through the computer screen and bang that broke-ass piece of shit you've been fucking for two whole years. relax, ho. it's just twitter!
you can follow samantha irby's uproarious tweets @wordscience. she often twitters in complete sentences, and is obviously a total goddamned hypocrite.
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