I don't wish to disappoint my children, but I am a Christian, and I don't want them trick-or-treating. Halloween is a pagan holiday, and I feel very strongly that it undermines the Christian values I'm trying to instill in my kids. Am I wrong? - Party Pooper for Jesus
Great question, PPJ:
Rest assured: you are very much NOT wrong. Halloween is a heathen holiday intent only on corrupting young souls. There are those who contend that it's a harmless means of letting kids engage in a bit of fantasy and escapism. THIS IS A LIE!!!!!!!!! Halloween is a remorseless pageant of Wiccan bloodlust and carnality that aims to sap the Christian resolve from this once great nation. Is by accident that Obama's birthday (his REAL birthday - not that trumped-up one in "Hawaii" or wherever it is he's claiming to have been born - the one that took place under a blood moon in a Haitian swamp with not fewer than SIX DOZEN actual zombies in attendance, where he was "baptized" in the blood of Pentecostal missionaries) is on Halloween?!??!?!? OF COURSE IT'S NO ACCIDENT!!! IN THE SAME WAY THAT IF YOU ADD UP THE DIGITS FROM ANY BAR CODE, THEY ALWAYS ADD UP TO "666"!!! *
* We are fact-checking this paragraph, because certain elements of it don't feel quite right. We'll report back. - Eds.
Not only should you forbid your kids from trick-or-treating, compel them to spend the evening in reflection and prayer (shackled to a boiler or radiator in a windowless basement is best - since I'm pretty sure that in Leviticus someplace, it ID's a "cheerless underground chamber" as the "piousest place in the eyes of the Lord" - I don't have to check this, it just feels right), beat them with flails if they request meals for bathroom breaks, and remind them that "Fun Size" is an acronym for "Drinking the Blood of Innocents"!!!!! **
** Again. This doesn't seem to line up, really. I mean, we'll bust out the Scrabble® tiles to run down this lead, but we gotta be honest, we're finding it suspect.
Beyond your unambiguous rejection of the Godless practice of candy-whoring from door to door, you should take the following precautions to safeguard the souls of your family on this the least Christian night of the calendar:
- Douse the lights and tape around every window so you're not corrupted by visits from the little infidels in your neighborhood - they may smell of Starburst® ("Pop one in your mouth and unleash the juiciness" - which is right there on their website - seems a pretty BRAZEN reference to satan spooge), but this is just to MASK the brimstone that's leaching out of every pore. It's been proven by science *** that a costumed kid on Halloween represents a greater concentration of satanic energy than Uday Hussein presiding over a torture orgy or Ed Gein hosting the Emmys.
- In the event that an especially persistent group of trick-or-treaters continue to ring your bell/knock on your door, you are authorized BY LAW to spatter them with battery acid **** from the window of an upper floor.
- Avoid use of the google search term: "looping video of the crucifix masturbation scene from The Exorcist." *****
- Avoid purchase of Jack Skellington rape porn fan fiction. *****
- Avoid viewing John Carpenter's "Halloween" since Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite sent by Satan to confuse you.
- Avoid acceptance of apples at any point today - they are packed with urban legends about razor blades, and will dissuade you from keeping your focus squarely on vanquishing Satan and His minions.
- Avoid listening to rock duo The White Stripes, for Satan is RIGHT BEHIND THEM!!!
- Avoid listening to blues rock duo The Black Keys, because everything they record just sounds dirty.
- If for some reason you DO find yourself in some heathen neighbor's house that's got one of those "blindfolded chamber of horrors" things set up - it's actually OK to put your hands in the "mummy guts," since that's just cold spagetti; it's also OK to feel the "werewolf eyes", since those are really just peeled grapes; DO NOT, however, stick your finger into "the devil's anus," because while it is true that it's just a dollop of chunky peanut butter. It is also true that it's actually inside Satan's ass.
- Avoid listening to Alice Cooper. Not only does he kind of suck, but he's a total fraud - he's a staunch Republican retiree who goes golfing all the time. Seriously - all that makeup and guillotine shit he does onstage? Total horse shit. Same with Rob Zombie.
- If you eat candy today - and chances are excellent you will, since the data suggests a correlation between being an avid Christian and being a lumbering giant fat-ass - ONLY eat full-size candy bars. The letters in the words "Fun Size" have been proven to be an anagram of "Mmmmmmmm… Satan Cock."******
- Refrain from wearing a costume yourself. Wedging that fat ass of yours into a naughty nurse get up or a sexy witch costume will just ruin it for everybody else. We are totally not kidding with this - any garment the back of which carves those haunches of yours into four ass cheeks is just ruinous and hateful. Honestly, it's like a fucking garbage bag filled with lumpy gravy back there. Stick the Tweety sweats you wear most days.
- Do not, under any circumstances, make candy corn fangs on yourself. This is a known Satan-summons. Plus, they make you sound lispy and ridiculous.
- Avoid watching Elvira, Mistress of the Dark - though totally evil, obviously, she's pretty severely developmentally disabled, so she doesn't know any better. I mean, she's still going to Hell and everything, but in her case it makes you a little sad.
- At work, don't answer the phone "Accounts receivable, this is Debbie" in that Vincent Price voice. This has less to do with avoiding Satan's influence than it does the fact that your impressions eat ass and everybody hates you enough as it is.
- Refrain from watching Laughton's Night of the Hunter, as the artistry and audacity of it may cause you to reevaluate your entire relationship to your faith, and to cast doubts on Christianity as a force for good in the world. Anything that causes you to ask questions was sent by Satan to test you. And, yes, the test is Pass/Fail, but a failing grade means an eternity spent as Lucifer's anal bead, so seriously - call in sick.
- Listen to all the Decyfer, Rush of Fools, Eden's Bridge, Soulger, or King's X you feel like. Actually any Christian rock you have lying around sucks so bad Satan will totally leave you alone. Blast it. Fair warning, though: this stuff really, really sucks. Like a shit-ton. So you better be pretty goddamn committed to your faith. Because it's like these dudes are forcibly sodomizing coolness every time they tune up. Plus, the irony is that all these bands, in order to attain "success" on the Christian "rock scene," have signed pacts with Satan.
- Don't be taken in by "holiday" versions of your favorite snacks. The secret ingredient? Satan's nut sweat. I'm looking at you, Krispy Kreme.
- And again: stay vigilant! Even if they are from that bowl in the break room at work, a Fun Size bar will enslave you to the Dark Lord for all time. Because as everybody knows "Fun Size" is an anagram for "His Infernal Majesty Awaits the Eternal Feast of Ass-Rape With His Barbed Cock That Your First Bite of This Krackle Bar® Represents. This Is a Binding Contract. You Cannot Hope to Extricate Yourself From It, So Don't Even Try. HAIL SATAN!!!"*******
If you follow these simple suggestions, you MAY awake tomorrow morning with your immortal soul intact. Don't forget to unshackle the kids, cause you don't want DCFS coming down on your ass on top of this whole "being locked in a mortal struggle for your soul" thing. And be sure and have them wear long sleeves - shackle bruises are a dead giveaway.
Yours in Christ,