all hands on deck.

Dear Irby and Ian, I was making out with my boyfriend-ish person today and I had no idea what to do with my hands. I'm only a freshman and I haven't made out with a lot of boys yet. I'm too embarrassed to ask my friends because they are more advanced than I am and they will make fun of me for just kissing. What are some cute or fun things you can do with them? Thank you so much!

irby: OH THANK GOD. now this really restores my faith in the american teenager. every time i flip past mtv i cringe, right before my heart breaks in half and falls right out of my butthole. teen trailer park moms and orange jersey titties and songs about sucking dicks at three in the afternoon? that's what your teenage daughter is watching, homie. and that shit is utterly terrifying.

i'm not going to pretend that i was some kind of angel as a child, especially when there are so many people who could testify to the number of hours i spent dead asleep in the library, but these kids today (saying that makes me sound SO OLD, omg) are on some next level crazy. you assholes are doing gangbangs in the family room while your mom is out at book club and shit. in the eighth grade there was a scandal at our middle school because some girls got caught giving blowjobs at someone's basement house party, but these days bitches are getting fucked in the ass in the middle of homeroom and shit. sucking dick is so 1993. young women today fuck like porn stars, and you can count that as chief among the reasons i don't plan on procreation anytime soon.

so imagine how my little heart soared at the sight of this question! not, "how do i get an abortion without my mom's consent?" or "does having anal really count as losing my virginity?" this wholesome slice of apple pie wants to know about HOLDING HANDS AND SMOOCHING. a rainbow just exploded out of my heart.

now real-life, old-ass cynical irby would advise you to use those paws to tear off his belt and get you a big piece of that delicious meat, but you, little girl, probably don't even know what that means. do any adults just kiss? i mean, unless you're standing on a porch or in a doorway? i can't remember the last time i was like, "let's just make out" and that's all that happened. everyone i know is all, kiss kiss ki-- TAKE YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES OFF RIGHT THIS GODDAMNED MINUTE. as a matter of fact my usual opening line is, "want to go down on me for an hour and a half?" i don't have time to waste trying to figure out with my tongue what you ate for lunch today. get my pants off and kiss THAT, motherfucker.

here are my ideas for cute and fun things to do with your adolescent hands while trying not to cut your lips on your boyfriend's braces:
math homework. fun? meh. practical? absolutely. guaranteed i would've gotten better than a goddamned B+ in geometry if i'd had a math tutor. and by that i mean "mouth tutor."

knit. make him a cardigan or something. isn't that what all the male children are wearing these days? what better than one knit from unrequited love and teenage angst?

SAT prep. kids are dumb and usually have limited vocabularies, and you know you need to get into the better of your state school options. so do some flashcards or something. try not to end up in community college, like me. what do you want to do, waste the rest of your life writing fake advice comedy blogs?! ahahahahahahahahate my life please kill me.

chores. ironing, mopping, scrubbing: all things that can be done with your hands while your mouth is otherwise occupied. just think how happy your mom will be when she comes home to a teenage daughter who not only isn't pregnant but also cleaned the grout in the shower! allowance raise, for sure.

oh who the fuck am i kidding, dollface? HANDS GO IN PANTS.


ps, "boyfriend-ish person" is exactly what i want in my love life. seriously, i've never before heard it so brilliantly encapsulated. bravo, little one. now go give your spanish teacher my phone number. SABROSO.