the chlamydia king.

My new boyfriend is very experienced. I’m not jealous of all the girls he’s been with, but I’ve always been really scared of getting an STD. And when I’m with him, I can’t stop worrying about it, even though we practice safe sex. Will he mind if I ask him detailed questions about his past?

irby: okay, so we're going to start doing this new thing sometimes. post a question that some boring and conventional (read: not smartypants comedy jokepeople who talk shit on the internet rather than help other humans in any sort of tangible way) expert has already tackled and solved, reprint said answer, and compare and contrast our own. it's sort of like "what would jesus do?" if jesus wrote for cosmo and satan was allowed to interject.

the expert's advice, in part, is as follows: "...just because a guy has been with other girls, it doesn’t make him the Chlamydia King. If you start grilling him because you fear he has an STD, he’ll understandably feel defensive and maybe even a little angry. The only way for you to get them is for him to get tested. And the only way to be fair about it is to get tested with him. Don’t bring it up before, during, or right after sex. Instead, do it when you’re fully clothed and somewhere neutral."

1 "i'm not jealous." wrong.

2 if you're truly consumed by this terror of communicable venereal disease, please allow me to kick that dick right out of your mouth. the common cold is gruesome to me. seriously, that shit is downright intolerable. i would rather have an STD than spend twenty hours a day wide awake lurching around my apartment breathing through an open mouth with half a box of kleenex shoved into my leaking, congested nostrils, coughing up blood and lung tissue, wracked by simultaneous fever and chills. okay, maybe i wouldn't really. especially since colds are virtually unavoidable considering that i have to ride the train to work, touch filthy money, untie my gross slushy winter boots that have tracked through all sorts of excrement and dirt; practically everything i ever have to do is totally disgusting and puts me at risk of infecting myself with some new virulent strain of superflu. so all i can do is wash my hands and keep amoxicillin in my medicine cabinet. but there's no mandate that says you gotta keep a pair of ballz in your jawz, GURL. no one is forcing you to suck on that pubic lice blow pop. get celibate.

3 1% of living humans want to discuss the details of their sexual history. because the people who are asking for those details are often judgmental assholes who feign vaginal sanctity and virtue when it comes to public disclosure of their own bedroom (or mid-price chain restaurant bathroom, bowling alley, grocery store parking lot, airport chapel, hospital cafeteria...) activity. so yeah, he's probably going to mind. unless he's the one who divulged this vast amount of sexual conquerage in the first place, in which case i'm going to venture a guess that he inflated the two handjobs and handful of actual penetrations he's scored to impress you or pressure you into consenting to a gangbang or some other gross shit. no grown-ass man is going to brag about how many women he's slept with to a lady he actually cares about, because ladybrain is a real fucking thing and most adult males know better than to pry the lid off that pandora's box of irrational sobbing jealousy and emotion. what a fucking bonerkiller.

4 the motherfucking spanish inquisition. this is the kind of shit i'm referring to when i go so crazy about my aversion to having talks all the goddamned time. because this woman doesn't really want to talk about gonorrhea. that particular conundrum is easily resolved: "hey dude, i need to see some recent free clinic paperwork before i let you slide it in my butt." unless i missed the part where she said this strapping lothario is also a physician, what the hell is there to talk to him about? just admit you want to hear dirty details about all of his ex-girlfriends while comparing yourself to them and deciding that you are vastly superior. "that slut let you COME ON HER FACE?! what a dirty whore. now let's move on to number 927." i'm not into this sort of self-indulgent torture porn. i like to pretend that the penis i just unwrapped is fresh off the assembly line, untouched by other human hands. so what if i can see the scuff marks the girl who returned it left behind? one man's ceiling is another man's floor, i guess. besides, he's going to lie. especially if he can tell you're uncomfortable with his prowess. I WOULD LIE. so skip this part.

5 "fully clothed and somewhere neutral." you know, in case that motherfucker throws a punch. what does that even mean?! are you supposed to accuse your new boyfriend of being a walking syphillis dispenser in the middle of a starbucks or some shit? "i'll have a tall americano, and while we're on the subject, how many of those have you had sex with?" i think what our expert is really trying to say is DON'T GIVE THIS POOR DUDE BLUE BALLS, YOU NEUROTIC PIECE OF SHIT JERKFACE. here's how i do it, in case you enjoy being a huge dick: keep a copy of your recent negative bloodwork and pap results in your day planner. next time you're at dinner, pull that shit out and say, "i don't have herpes. how about you?" and he'll either make an appointment to have his junk swabbed or he'll scrape off those cold sores and forge some realistic-looking results. hmm on second thought, maybe the neutral place you two should have this discussion is in a doctor's office.