Dear Irby and Ian,
Can you tell me the proper etiquette for a man to clip his fingernails?
irby: it's been pretty well-documented that i have a thing for manly men. i like bossy dudes with armpit hair whose private parts smell like freshly seared beef. most of the notches on my bedpost came courtesy of barely-literate linebackers with 26" necks who preferred to grunt and point rather than engage in actual conversation. oh i know, who wants some mouth-breathing neanderthal with food in his beard? but most of them were all impeccably groomed and fastidious in their efforts to remain that way. so, because i don't know shit about keeping your balls clean, i emailed/texted the least retarded of my old fuck buddies and asked each of them, "what is the proper etiquette for a man to clip his fingernails?" the responses were as follows:
1 "what kind of gay shit is this, samantha irby?"
2 "DON'T EVER EMAIL ME BITCH YOU TOLD A BAR FULL OF PEOPLE THAT I HAVE HERPES THAT SHIT AINT FUNNY YOU COMEDY ASSHOLE."
3 "Who the hell is this from?"
4 "I get manicures every other Saturday. In general, though, a man should trim his nails at least once a week."
5 "I file my shit twice a week. Like a girl, as you would say. Or "that's moist." What R U doing later, asshole? Can I come by and get you pregnant?"
6 "BITCH I'M SERIOUS YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY. WE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX. THAT BOGUS ASS SHIT HURT MY FEELINGS. YOU ARE THE WORST ASSHOLE EVER DON'T ASK ME SHIT, YOU JERK. I DONT CARE ABOUT ETIQUETTE, SAM. YOU SHOULD'VE HAD SOME FUCKING ETIQUETTE WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT MY DICK IN PUBLIC."
here's the takeaway from that little experiment: 1 the sexual interstate i'm driving down is littered with idiots and fruitbags, and 2 I AM A RELENTLESS COMEDY ASSHOLE.
my next step was to consult my best friend the internet, who is super smart and always full of reliable information. i happened upon a post entitled "men's worst grooming issues." here's an abbreviated list:
1 long, dirty toenails. ew and ew. that post-sex "did this motherfucker's toenail just scratch the inside of my ankle?!" feeling is the goddamned WORST. clip that shit.
2 hair where it shouldn't be. to where might they be referring? nose? ear?! i like a solid, hairy beast. nothing like grabbing hold of a man's back fur and telling him exactly how you like it.
3 a foul mouth. this sort of goes without saying, right? or are there really dudes who need to be reminded to brush their fucking teeth?!
4 eyebrow issues, either overgrown or over plucked. again, i must beg to differ. i don't want to bang a dude who even notices he has eyebrows. that shit is moist.
5 too much cologne. i'd like to specify "cheap ass" cologne. there is absolutely not a goddamned thing wrong with a slab of brisket that has been drenched in some kilian or serge lutens. NOT A GODDAMNED THING.
6 too much waxing. or...ANY AMOUNT OF WAXING AT ALL. sorry, son, but no one wants to fuck a newborn baby.
7 dry, cracked heels. i guess so? i mean, maybe? but the thought of some burly dude in a pedicure chair flipping through people magazine makes my penis soft.
8 hair that never moves. this is for white people. if a black dude's hair is moving that is a motherfucking NO.
this list is fucking dumb, and was obviously written by twelve year old girls too young to menstruate. frustrated, and still having no clue about a polite man's fingernail game, i posed the question over IM to my dear friend geno, a hot gentleman who is always very tastefully appointed. and here's what he said:
Can you tell me the proper etiquette for a man to clip his fingernails?
irby: it's been pretty well-documented that i have a thing for manly men. i like bossy dudes with armpit hair whose private parts smell like freshly seared beef. most of the notches on my bedpost came courtesy of barely-literate linebackers with 26" necks who preferred to grunt and point rather than engage in actual conversation. oh i know, who wants some mouth-breathing neanderthal with food in his beard? but most of them were all impeccably groomed and fastidious in their efforts to remain that way. so, because i don't know shit about keeping your balls clean, i emailed/texted the least retarded of my old fuck buddies and asked each of them, "what is the proper etiquette for a man to clip his fingernails?" the responses were as follows:
1 "what kind of gay shit is this, samantha irby?"
2 "DON'T EVER EMAIL ME BITCH YOU TOLD A BAR FULL OF PEOPLE THAT I HAVE HERPES THAT SHIT AINT FUNNY YOU COMEDY ASSHOLE."
3 "Who the hell is this from?"
4 "I get manicures every other Saturday. In general, though, a man should trim his nails at least once a week."
5 "I file my shit twice a week. Like a girl, as you would say. Or "that's moist." What R U doing later, asshole? Can I come by and get you pregnant?"
6 "BITCH I'M SERIOUS YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY. WE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX. THAT BOGUS ASS SHIT HURT MY FEELINGS. YOU ARE THE WORST ASSHOLE EVER DON'T ASK ME SHIT, YOU JERK. I DONT CARE ABOUT ETIQUETTE, SAM. YOU SHOULD'VE HAD SOME FUCKING ETIQUETTE WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT MY DICK IN PUBLIC."
here's the takeaway from that little experiment: 1 the sexual interstate i'm driving down is littered with idiots and fruitbags, and 2 I AM A RELENTLESS COMEDY ASSHOLE.
my next step was to consult my best friend the internet, who is super smart and always full of reliable information. i happened upon a post entitled "men's worst grooming issues." here's an abbreviated list:
1 long, dirty toenails. ew and ew. that post-sex "did this motherfucker's toenail just scratch the inside of my ankle?!" feeling is the goddamned WORST. clip that shit.
2 hair where it shouldn't be. to where might they be referring? nose? ear?! i like a solid, hairy beast. nothing like grabbing hold of a man's back fur and telling him exactly how you like it.
3 a foul mouth. this sort of goes without saying, right? or are there really dudes who need to be reminded to brush their fucking teeth?!
4 eyebrow issues, either overgrown or over plucked. again, i must beg to differ. i don't want to bang a dude who even notices he has eyebrows. that shit is moist.
5 too much cologne. i'd like to specify "cheap ass" cologne. there is absolutely not a goddamned thing wrong with a slab of brisket that has been drenched in some kilian or serge lutens. NOT A GODDAMNED THING.
6 too much waxing. or...ANY AMOUNT OF WAXING AT ALL. sorry, son, but no one wants to fuck a newborn baby.
7 dry, cracked heels. i guess so? i mean, maybe? but the thought of some burly dude in a pedicure chair flipping through people magazine makes my penis soft.
8 hair that never moves. this is for white people. if a black dude's hair is moving that is a motherfucking NO.
this list is fucking dumb, and was obviously written by twelve year old girls too young to menstruate. frustrated, and still having no clue about a polite man's fingernail game, i posed the question over IM to my dear friend geno, a hot gentleman who is always very tastefully appointed. and here's what he said:
i've always been of the mind that if you were to feel a girl up, are your nails going to scratch / hurt her cooch?
if so, they gotta be trimmed
which is basically always
and the only time a dude should have long fingernails is if he plays acoustic guitar regularly
but even that's suspect
so there you have it. TRIM THEM ALWAYS TO AVOID HURTING A COOCH. and on the off chance what you were looking for was a technical manual: were you raised by fucking WOLVES?! i was parented by the joint efforts of a barely-functioning television and our local DARE police, and even i know how to properly whittle down these hand daggers. how to: soak your hands, clip your nails straight across, let them dry, then file that shit neat. welcome to the fifth grade. dummy.
ps, don't be a giant fucking dickface to someone who writes comedy about balls and shit.
pps, that dude totally fucking had herpes. good thing i didn't bang him. BARF.
so there you have it. TRIM THEM ALWAYS TO AVOID HURTING A COOCH. and on the off chance what you were looking for was a technical manual: were you raised by fucking WOLVES?! i was parented by the joint efforts of a barely-functioning television and our local DARE police, and even i know how to properly whittle down these hand daggers. how to: soak your hands, clip your nails straight across, let them dry, then file that shit neat. welcome to the fifth grade. dummy.
ps, don't be a giant fucking dickface to someone who writes comedy about balls and shit.
pps, that dude totally fucking had herpes. good thing i didn't bang him. BARF.
Oh irby. I love you. You made me laugh until I cried, and I don't care if that's moist because I'm a girl. LOVE you on both of your blogs!
ReplyDeleteI love this whole fucking post….but even more, I love that "hurt cooch" is one of the tags!
ReplyDelete